"Last night I was in the Kingdom of Shadows.
If you only knew how strange it is to be there. It is a world without sound, without colour. Every thing there—the earth, the trees, the people, the water and the air—is dipped in monotonous grey. Grey rays of the sun across the grey sky, grey eyes in grey faces, and the leaves of the trees are ashen grey. It is not life but its shadow, It is not motion but its soundless spectre...
...All this is in grey, and the sky above is also grey—
you anticipate nothing new in this all too familiar scene, for you have seen pictures of Paris streets more than once. But suddenly a strange flicker passes through the screen and the picture stirs to life. Carriages coming from somewhere in the perspective of the picture are moving straight at you, into the darkness in which you sit; somewhere from afar people appear and loom larger as they come closer to you; in the foreground children are playing with a dog, bicyclists tear along, and pedestrians cross the street picking their way among the carriages. All this moves, teems with life and, upon approaching the edge of the screen, vanishes somewhere beyond it.
And all this in strange silence where no rumble of the wheels is heard, no sound of footsteps or of speech. Nothing. Not a single note of the intricate symphony that always accompanies the movements of people. Noiselessly, the ashen-grey foliage of the trees sways in the wind, and the grey silhouettes of the people, as though condemned to eternal silence and cruelly punished by being deprived of all the colours of life, glide noiselessly along the grey ground.
Their smiles are lifeless, even though their movements are full of living energy and are so swift as to be almost imperceptible. Their laughter is soundless although you see the muscles contracting in their grey faces. Before you a life is surging, a life deprived of words and shorn of the living spectrum of colours—the grey, the soundless, the bleak and dismal life.
It is terrifying to see, but it is the movement of shadows, only of shadows ... Suddenly something clicks, everything vanishes and a train appears on the screen. It speeds straight at you—watch out!
It seems as though it will plunge into the darkness in which you sit, turning you into a ripped sack full of lacerated flesh and splintered bones, and crushing into dust and into broken fragments this hall and this building, so full of women, wine, music and vice.
But this, too, is but a train of shadows.
Noiselessly, the locomotive disappears beyond the edge of the screen. The train comes to a stop, and grey figures silently emerge from the cars, soundlessly greet their friends, laugh, walk, run, bustle, and ... are gone. And here is another picture. Three men seated at the table, playing cards. Their faces are tense, their hands move swiftly, The cupidity of the players is betrayed by the trembling fingers and by the twitching of their facial muscles, They play ... Suddenly, they break into laughter, and the waiter who has stopped at their table with beer, laughs too. They laugh until their sides split but not a sound is heard. It seems as if these people have died and their shadows have been condemned to play cards in silence unto eternity. Another picture. A gardener watering flowers. The light grey stream of water, issuing from a hose, breaks into a fine spray ...
This mute, grey life finally begins to disturb and depress you. It seems as though it carries a warning, fraught with a vague but sinister meaning that makes your heart grow faint. You are forgetting where you are. Strange imaginings invade your mind and your consciousness begins to wane and grow dim ... "
Maxim Gorky, 1896
HAPPY NEW YEAR
12.30.2010
12.23.2010
12.20.2010
'TIS THE SEASON:
The fruits of our labor on this night of 19th DEC 2010:
"The senator from the great state of Tibet, Mr. Ohm T. Buttons..."
Thank you everyone
"The senator from the great state of Tibet, Mr. Ohm T. Buttons..."
Thank you everyone
12.18.2010
12.14.2010
12.12.2010
THE OTHER BLACK WEEKDAY
News from control has it that I will not die on Dec. 14th.
Please call me after that day. You know who you are.
Please call me after that day. You know who you are.
12.09.2010
11.21.2010
STRYX TERCERO
I found this while researching the stryx, from the same program that featured Grace Jones.
Thank you Norman Lear, thank you my father and mother.
STRYX
While doing some research on the stryx I found this.
I thank you, Ms. Jones. Thank you everyone.
ATTENTION: WOMEN AND MEN OF EARTH
Well, I have passed my certification exam and am now licensed to perform the following sex positions:
1. The Tyrant
2. Champagne Holiday
3. The Andromache*
4. The Sister Sledge
5. Shadowless Hands*
6. The "Get at Me" Dog
7. The Reverse Caliope
8. Blue Ribbon
9. The Down Escalator
10. The Emperor's Sled*
11. Tesla Coil
12. Night Congress
13. The Eel
14. The Conqueror Worm
15. Reverse Albatross*
16. Golden Apple
17. The Off White
18. Sotto Vocce
Text your request, starred positions are weekday only, thank you.
1. The Tyrant
2. Champagne Holiday
3. The Andromache*
4. The Sister Sledge
5. Shadowless Hands*
6. The "Get at Me" Dog
7. The Reverse Caliope
8. Blue Ribbon
9. The Down Escalator
10. The Emperor's Sled*
11. Tesla Coil
12. Night Congress
13. The Eel
14. The Conqueror Worm
15. Reverse Albatross*
16. Golden Apple
17. The Off White
18. Sotto Vocce
Text your request, starred positions are weekday only, thank you.
11.08.2010
11.06.2010
DYSTOPIC FUTURE NOVEL OF THE NOW: OUTLINE
YOUTH 2039
1. The characters are mannequins covered with brand names and devices.
A. They are filled with the juices of youth but lack those supposed parts and drives thought given to all humans by the romantics, philosophers, and analysts of the past.
(This is both an indictment of our culture as well as a forecast of a sic transit gloria Monday morning future scenario.)
B. The principal characters are all materialists. (The implication being the old adage that "A materialist seeing a corpse is cemented in his beliefs." This raises many questions: Who does that quote belong to? What corpse? These answers are kept purposely nebulous. The inability to tack that quote to a speaker plays on the lack of accountability and the rampant anonymity of a future society where all interaction is done on the Internet. The corpse may be our great nation? Our economy? Hope? The author answers questions with questions to engage the reader.) The principal characters only care about the procuring of new price tags with objects attached to them.
B.2. The inability of the principal characters to afford any new items as well as their lack of work shows a future economic heartbreak by way of our current economic fuck-up. All of the names of the companies who produce the most coveted objects and services will be in Chinese/Indian. The future is yellow perilous and American money is no longer green.
C. The principal characters will speak mainly in (youthful) obscenities. Racial epithets and the word "cunt" will never be shocking again. The characters will also speak in a dialect rife with typos and acronyms. The author will create a neologistical netspeak/faggot patois that will be as stylized and as dislocated as a rap performance in the den of your favorite television family, September, 1994. Most conversations will fill the page in the form of chatlogs and instant messages, through future services with ironic names like "Squeekchat" and "Taddler". All of the parents of the principal characters will speak either in religious tracts or excerpts of the DSM-5.
D. The principal characters will dress in ironically sexually provocative hypothetical designer fabrics. The future will be at least fifteen years old, insofar as it is tattooed and pierced; especially in the genitals. The clothing of the principal characters will be taken off and swapped as all of the characters perform sex acts in a round robin. All positions will be taken, as well as new ones with outlandish names, and new devices will be shoved all up in old holes. The principal characters will yawn as this happens because they have had all of their sex senses blunted on pornography and degradation from an early age. The author will break into a sweat as he re-reads the descriptions of these sex-bouts for typos. As he imagines their lithe young forms intertangled he will remember that he designed them as empty mannequins to make a point, that mainly, they are missing one thing... (amongst other things. All of the good things written with capital letters. But the author is sophisticated enough not to stress this, but make it apparent in the spaces between the characters.)
E. The principal characters will operate in a world where all personal information is voluntarily shared and the concept of privacy doesn't exist. This will confuse the action of the story as all events are given equal gravity as each of the main characters logs in with their current status from purchasing a sandwich to being raped. In a pivotal scene the main male character will set up a live stream of himself masturbating, masturbating to a live feed of an older man masturbating to the original stream of the main character masturbating.
F. The principal characters will be born into the rarefied pretense of the strip mall and the big box, and will grow up in parking lots and air conditioning. They will be beautiful and ignorant. Without trying to be pedantic the author will paint a cautionary tale by filling these youths with a hatred for books and sonatas. They will have access to guns and fire them at the trash, which will be the new products of our day. The reactionary and oppressive politicians who ruin our principal character's lives will be the wizened adult versions of our celebrities' children. (President Francis Bean and speaker of the house Blanket.)
G. There will be pharmaceuticals in all things and advertising will be part of content in all exchanges from the financial to the personal.
2. Plot
A. The author will pepper the prose with technical terms and complicated descriptions of biological processes and physics lessons. These will be applied to the action of the story with a clinical tone to keep an antiseptic distance. In this way the major incidents of the story will be explained on a level which bounces from micro to macro. And this will be interesting because the first few chapters will deal with a car crash, a rape, a mortgage and a drug addiction. In this way the author can choose his distance on the fly, one foot in, one foot out.
B. There will be an invasion or a rumor of an invasion appearing in on rumor sites and in between words inside the conversations of the main characters, while they are eating or in bed. The actual invasion will not show itself until the third act and it will be entirely financial.
C. There will be a courtroom drama involving a celebrity which will lead to the death penalty and a new religion. Then there will be a group camping trip to the blighted countryside and there will be descriptions of environmental shitstorms and sexual couplings. While this is happening the author will wonder where his characters are getting their money but will throw himself on the mercy of the reader not to ask.
D. There will be political debates and enslavements. The surviving principal characters will be as confused and alienated by the world they live in as the reader should be.
E. There will be a whole lot of siding with money and greed, biological imperatives and people being horrible to each other. But when the reviews come in this will be the most lauded part of the book.
1. The characters are mannequins covered with brand names and devices.
A. They are filled with the juices of youth but lack those supposed parts and drives thought given to all humans by the romantics, philosophers, and analysts of the past.
(This is both an indictment of our culture as well as a forecast of a sic transit gloria Monday morning future scenario.)
B. The principal characters are all materialists. (The implication being the old adage that "A materialist seeing a corpse is cemented in his beliefs." This raises many questions: Who does that quote belong to? What corpse? These answers are kept purposely nebulous. The inability to tack that quote to a speaker plays on the lack of accountability and the rampant anonymity of a future society where all interaction is done on the Internet. The corpse may be our great nation? Our economy? Hope? The author answers questions with questions to engage the reader.) The principal characters only care about the procuring of new price tags with objects attached to them.
B.2. The inability of the principal characters to afford any new items as well as their lack of work shows a future economic heartbreak by way of our current economic fuck-up. All of the names of the companies who produce the most coveted objects and services will be in Chinese/Indian. The future is yellow perilous and American money is no longer green.
C. The principal characters will speak mainly in (youthful) obscenities. Racial epithets and the word "cunt" will never be shocking again. The characters will also speak in a dialect rife with typos and acronyms. The author will create a neologistical netspeak/faggot patois that will be as stylized and as dislocated as a rap performance in the den of your favorite television family, September, 1994. Most conversations will fill the page in the form of chatlogs and instant messages, through future services with ironic names like "Squeekchat" and "Taddler". All of the parents of the principal characters will speak either in religious tracts or excerpts of the DSM-5.
D. The principal characters will dress in ironically sexually provocative hypothetical designer fabrics. The future will be at least fifteen years old, insofar as it is tattooed and pierced; especially in the genitals. The clothing of the principal characters will be taken off and swapped as all of the characters perform sex acts in a round robin. All positions will be taken, as well as new ones with outlandish names, and new devices will be shoved all up in old holes. The principal characters will yawn as this happens because they have had all of their sex senses blunted on pornography and degradation from an early age. The author will break into a sweat as he re-reads the descriptions of these sex-bouts for typos. As he imagines their lithe young forms intertangled he will remember that he designed them as empty mannequins to make a point, that mainly, they are missing one thing... (amongst other things. All of the good things written with capital letters. But the author is sophisticated enough not to stress this, but make it apparent in the spaces between the characters.)
E. The principal characters will operate in a world where all personal information is voluntarily shared and the concept of privacy doesn't exist. This will confuse the action of the story as all events are given equal gravity as each of the main characters logs in with their current status from purchasing a sandwich to being raped. In a pivotal scene the main male character will set up a live stream of himself masturbating, masturbating to a live feed of an older man masturbating to the original stream of the main character masturbating.
F. The principal characters will be born into the rarefied pretense of the strip mall and the big box, and will grow up in parking lots and air conditioning. They will be beautiful and ignorant. Without trying to be pedantic the author will paint a cautionary tale by filling these youths with a hatred for books and sonatas. They will have access to guns and fire them at the trash, which will be the new products of our day. The reactionary and oppressive politicians who ruin our principal character's lives will be the wizened adult versions of our celebrities' children. (President Francis Bean and speaker of the house Blanket.)
G. There will be pharmaceuticals in all things and advertising will be part of content in all exchanges from the financial to the personal.
2. Plot
A. The author will pepper the prose with technical terms and complicated descriptions of biological processes and physics lessons. These will be applied to the action of the story with a clinical tone to keep an antiseptic distance. In this way the major incidents of the story will be explained on a level which bounces from micro to macro. And this will be interesting because the first few chapters will deal with a car crash, a rape, a mortgage and a drug addiction. In this way the author can choose his distance on the fly, one foot in, one foot out.
B. There will be an invasion or a rumor of an invasion appearing in on rumor sites and in between words inside the conversations of the main characters, while they are eating or in bed. The actual invasion will not show itself until the third act and it will be entirely financial.
C. There will be a courtroom drama involving a celebrity which will lead to the death penalty and a new religion. Then there will be a group camping trip to the blighted countryside and there will be descriptions of environmental shitstorms and sexual couplings. While this is happening the author will wonder where his characters are getting their money but will throw himself on the mercy of the reader not to ask.
D. There will be political debates and enslavements. The surviving principal characters will be as confused and alienated by the world they live in as the reader should be.
E. There will be a whole lot of siding with money and greed, biological imperatives and people being horrible to each other. But when the reviews come in this will be the most lauded part of the book.
10.31.2010
CLEANING UP
The last post was pretty grotesque so let me do this:
Here is a rat doing an impression of my girlfriend.
Here is a rat doing an impression of my girlfriend.
10.29.2010
HORRORS OF THE INTERNET, PART 200,801
Hello.
I was looking for info on the comic "Boku to issyo".
this came up in google:
Things about the above video:
1. Possibly not safe for work
2. Narrator describes watching anime about man-boy love
3. Narrator says "I was talking to one of my white friends", and then goes on to describe oversexed anime faun boys as "niggas."
He then drops the word "nigga" over and over.
4. Because of this video I have seen an anime boy dressed like a french maid stroking the penis of another crossed dressed anime boy with a dog's paw.
Thanks internet!
Fuck you.
I was looking for info on the comic "Boku to issyo".
this came up in google:
Things about the above video:
1. Possibly not safe for work
2. Narrator describes watching anime about man-boy love
3. Narrator says "I was talking to one of my white friends", and then goes on to describe oversexed anime faun boys as "niggas."
He then drops the word "nigga" over and over.
4. Because of this video I have seen an anime boy dressed like a french maid stroking the penis of another crossed dressed anime boy with a dog's paw.
Thanks internet!
Fuck you.
10.20.2010
24 HR NEWS CYCLE STILL BULLSHIT, BUT:
Somehow Dylan Ratigan pushes through with some truth, skip to 2:45.
10.18.2010
10.11.2010
TITLES OF HYPOTHETICAL BOOKS I MAY NEVER WRITE
*The Good Woman of Shit Town
*Dread and Handicraft
*Ultramundane
*Sidereal War
*Songs My Mother Never Heard
*Narcissus Kissing Narcissus Drowning
*The Invincible Man's Ghost
*Dread and Handicraft
*Ultramundane
*Sidereal War
*Songs My Mother Never Heard
*Narcissus Kissing Narcissus Drowning
*The Invincible Man's Ghost
10.08.2010
REMINDER
In your country,
in our country,
there is a populist movement bankrolled by billionaires,
and supported by poor people,
for the rights of billionaires.
Thank you.
in our country,
there is a populist movement bankrolled by billionaires,
and supported by poor people,
for the rights of billionaires.
Thank you.
10.07.2010
IT WAS ALL A DREAM
Made the change from a common thief
to bloggin images from G. "jeeves" Leach,
and I'm far from being cheap
worry about peak oil all day
fear death
it's the Degen way
to bloggin images from G. "jeeves" Leach,
and I'm far from being cheap
worry about peak oil all day
fear death
it's the Degen way
PULLING A FULL FRANKLIN
Courtesy of G. "Jeeves" Leach.
Bigups to luminaries dying of syphilis everywhere.
10.06.2010
PERSONAL HISTORY/STATEMENT OF PURPOSE (BROOKLYN MONOGATARI)
The year was 1981,
Down syndrome was the sound of the streets
I had two dads.
(21st Chromosone boy)
Down syndrome was the sound of the streets
I had two dads.
(21st Chromosone boy)
10.05.2010
10.04.2010
SIDENOTE: SCIENCE FICTION
I had a thought last night while I was driving home and the roads were totally empty. I had the windows open and it was very cold. It was a half finished thought, and I present it here as such.
Have you ever read a shitty science fiction novel in which they introduce some kind of hypothetical device/thing without explaining what it really is, but it has a name which evokes what it looks like and or does?
Just making shit up, but, for example:
Nutrition cube
Light gun
Hover bike
Crystal city
I had some kind of breakthrough last night wherein I told myself that emotions, and how we name and explain them, works in the same way.
I immediately didn't know what I was talking about but thought I might be on to something.
Have you ever read a shitty science fiction novel in which they introduce some kind of hypothetical device/thing without explaining what it really is, but it has a name which evokes what it looks like and or does?
Just making shit up, but, for example:
Nutrition cube
Light gun
Hover bike
Crystal city
I had some kind of breakthrough last night wherein I told myself that emotions, and how we name and explain them, works in the same way.
I immediately didn't know what I was talking about but thought I might be on to something.
CALENDAR DAYS ON WHICH I WILL DIE (PROJECTED)
Feb. 12th
Thousands of Februarys from now in a future where I live tethered to a potted plant. Forced into a compulsory one man focus group I will be beaten to death by my captors when I cannot answer which pair of underwear is whiter. The advertising campaign is a success because of my sacrifice.
Oct. 25th
In an accident on a highway. I am sitting in the front passenger seat. Someone I don't know is driving and someone I know is talking to be from the back.
March 8th
Killed by a two-headed woman in a convenience store bathroom. Domestic dispute. I am married to one of the heads. And living in the bathroom.
Jan. 12th
While on location as a talent scout for a reboot of a never popular children's show, the world ends. The last thing I see is glowing geometric patterns in the sky over the city. Crushed by falling architecture and left out of the final horribleness.
Aug. 7th
Killed by a complicated thought. I imagine a gunfight and am trying to calculate the amount of bullets shot from hypothetical guns, while the gunfight is interrupted by some characters, real and imagined, from my life. After seeing pets and family members torn apart in the fire-fight, my last brave act is to step out and wave my arms for a cease fire. Smugly proud of my own bravery, no matter how late, I die in real life as an old man in a hospital cafeteria face down in a plate of soup.
March 20th
Age 19, drunk driving. My car is found somewhere off of the Blue Ridge Parkway.
Jan. 22nd
While holding a telephone and looking at a cardinal at a bird feeder against a snowy backdrop.
May 3rd
Earthquake. My parents keep the hope that I am alive. Then they see a picture of me from ninth grade and decide to forget me.
Sept. 26th
At night I am choked to death by the cousin of a friend's boyfriend for not knowing the names of certain very important celebrities.
Jun. 15th
Killed by my fiancee in a complicated drinking game.
Dec. 14th
Self inflicted gunshot wound.
My spirit enters one of the following machines:
1. Gas flame which keeps the track switchers unfrozen on a southern freight line
2. Broken crane at an unused dock on the China Sea.
3. Automatic floor polisher at an art museum.
4. Child's toy guitar.
5. Mannequin
6. Random number generator computer used by codebreakers, a video camera with the lens cap on, assigning numbers to the visual noise.
Thousands of Februarys from now in a future where I live tethered to a potted plant. Forced into a compulsory one man focus group I will be beaten to death by my captors when I cannot answer which pair of underwear is whiter. The advertising campaign is a success because of my sacrifice.
Oct. 25th
In an accident on a highway. I am sitting in the front passenger seat. Someone I don't know is driving and someone I know is talking to be from the back.
March 8th
Killed by a two-headed woman in a convenience store bathroom. Domestic dispute. I am married to one of the heads. And living in the bathroom.
Jan. 12th
While on location as a talent scout for a reboot of a never popular children's show, the world ends. The last thing I see is glowing geometric patterns in the sky over the city. Crushed by falling architecture and left out of the final horribleness.
Aug. 7th
Killed by a complicated thought. I imagine a gunfight and am trying to calculate the amount of bullets shot from hypothetical guns, while the gunfight is interrupted by some characters, real and imagined, from my life. After seeing pets and family members torn apart in the fire-fight, my last brave act is to step out and wave my arms for a cease fire. Smugly proud of my own bravery, no matter how late, I die in real life as an old man in a hospital cafeteria face down in a plate of soup.
March 20th
Age 19, drunk driving. My car is found somewhere off of the Blue Ridge Parkway.
Jan. 22nd
While holding a telephone and looking at a cardinal at a bird feeder against a snowy backdrop.
May 3rd
Earthquake. My parents keep the hope that I am alive. Then they see a picture of me from ninth grade and decide to forget me.
Sept. 26th
At night I am choked to death by the cousin of a friend's boyfriend for not knowing the names of certain very important celebrities.
Jun. 15th
Killed by my fiancee in a complicated drinking game.
Dec. 14th
Self inflicted gunshot wound.
My spirit enters one of the following machines:
1. Gas flame which keeps the track switchers unfrozen on a southern freight line
2. Broken crane at an unused dock on the China Sea.
3. Automatic floor polisher at an art museum.
4. Child's toy guitar.
5. Mannequin
6. Random number generator computer used by codebreakers, a video camera with the lens cap on, assigning numbers to the visual noise.
9.16.2010
SANTORUM
"Rick Santorum would very much like to be president. For the past few years, he has been diligently appearing at the sorts of conservative events—the Values Voters Summit, the Conservative Political Action Conference—where aspiring Republican candidates are expected to show up. But before he starts printing "Santorum 2012" bumper stickers, there's one issue the former GOP senator and his strategists need to address. You see, Santorum has what you might call a Google problem. For voters who decide to look him up online, one of the top three search results is usually the site SpreadingSantorum.com, which explains that Santorum's last name is a sexual neologism for "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex."
Santorum's problem got its start back in 2003, when the then-senator from Pennsylvania compared homosexuality to bestiality and pedophilia, saying the "definition of marriage" has never included "man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be." The ensuing controversy prompted syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage, who's gay, to start a contest, soliciting reader suggestions for slang terms to "memorialize the scandal." The winner came up with the "frothy mixture" idea, Savage launched a website, and a meme was born. Even though mainstream news outlets would never link to it, Savage's site rose in the Google rankings, thanks in part to bloggers who posted Santorum-related news on the site or linked to it from their blogs. Eventually it eclipsed Santorum's own campaign site in search results; some observers even suggested it may have contributed to Santorum's crushing 18-point defeat in his 2006 campaign against Bob Casey.
Savage says his site hasn't been updated for years, yet it remains entrenched in the Google rankings. Not even Santorum's ascent as a Fox News contributor or his early campaign swings through the key primary states of Iowa and New Hampshire have managed to bury it. With Google results like this, what's an aspiring presidential candidate to do?
I wanted to ask Santorum whether he had a strategy for scrubbing his Web presence, but he didn't return my calls. So instead, I asked a few experts. "This is an unusual problem," says Michael Fertik, CEO of ReputationDefender, which specializes in helping individuals maintain a positive Web presence. "It's devastating. This is one of the more creative and salient Google issues I've ever seen.""
Santorum's problem got its start back in 2003, when the then-senator from Pennsylvania compared homosexuality to bestiality and pedophilia, saying the "definition of marriage" has never included "man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be." The ensuing controversy prompted syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage, who's gay, to start a contest, soliciting reader suggestions for slang terms to "memorialize the scandal." The winner came up with the "frothy mixture" idea, Savage launched a website, and a meme was born. Even though mainstream news outlets would never link to it, Savage's site rose in the Google rankings, thanks in part to bloggers who posted Santorum-related news on the site or linked to it from their blogs. Eventually it eclipsed Santorum's own campaign site in search results; some observers even suggested it may have contributed to Santorum's crushing 18-point defeat in his 2006 campaign against Bob Casey.
Savage says his site hasn't been updated for years, yet it remains entrenched in the Google rankings. Not even Santorum's ascent as a Fox News contributor or his early campaign swings through the key primary states of Iowa and New Hampshire have managed to bury it. With Google results like this, what's an aspiring presidential candidate to do?
I wanted to ask Santorum whether he had a strategy for scrubbing his Web presence, but he didn't return my calls. So instead, I asked a few experts. "This is an unusual problem," says Michael Fertik, CEO of ReputationDefender, which specializes in helping individuals maintain a positive Web presence. "It's devastating. This is one of the more creative and salient Google issues I've ever seen.""
9.11.2010
9.05.2010
JOKE/RIDDLE
This is a joke/riddle I put to Chest Jowdy last night:
Q: What do you call three men named Jonathan sitting at a table?
A: I don't know, they're your friends.
Thank you and good night.
Q: What do you call three men named Jonathan sitting at a table?
A: I don't know, they're your friends.
Thank you and good night.
8.31.2010
TICKA TIC TOC MY GOLDEN HEN, LAYING EGGS FOR THE GENTLEMEN, SOMETIMES 9 & SOMETIMES 10. AND WHENEVER SHE LAY LORD, SHE MAKE AN ALARM, COCK-COCKA-LEO!
HELLO.
Here are some images from the second half of part 4 of my comic as well as images from part 5,
thank you.
Here are some images from the second half of part 4 of my comic as well as images from part 5,
thank you.
8.26.2010
THE SECRET GENEALOGY OF THE BOSS PART I
THE SECRET GENEALOGY OF "THE BOSS":
Transmission of the Cursed Blood in the Ancient World; From Adam:
Adam Ruhani -(pre-curse)-> Homo Habilis -(half-curse)-> Cain -(full curse)-> Patient Zero -(identity unknown, attacked under a naked, black tree)-> The Hunter, Gracchus-(the curse came alive in his blood when he was struck down by the gods for hunting a sacred bird. Alive, in his coffin he still navigates the waterways of the underworld)-> Frinklaan Malone -(deceased and then reborn, building collectible antiques and buying them centuries later)-> a nameless ape -(left-handed, likes: The colors brown and red, fucking, killing. Dislikes: Light, the seasons, clouds, the sun, unblemished skin.)-> Gilgamesh I -(after he played a drum solo on the bones of Enkidu, while crying in seamstress's house, over a crack in the floor which lead directly to the netherworld)-> Puru-ravas Aila I -(Smiling as he dipped his hand in salt and then slapped his grandfather to death)-> Nimrod -(caught the bad gene from his mother, not by birth but later when he had sex with her)-> Laomedon --> Jade Emperor of Yu Huang -(when he buried a gaggle of children up to their necks in his courtyard and and ate a banquet in front of them, and later, when he washed his hands with vinegar)-> Sargon I of Akkad -(the curse was awakened in his blood when he took a shit on his astrolabe and then ate the flesh of a woman)-> Emperor Qin Shi Huang -(Attacked at age 49, awoke covered in blood surrounded by his terracotta army, now with a stutter in his heart and fangs)-> Dangun Wanggeom's bastard son by a women with a tattoo-(His blood boiling as he kicked a horse to death at a country fair)-> Abydos II-(Attacked while dancing in the shadow of a cracked boulder)-> Royal Shoemaker for Emperor Jimmu -(the curse awoke in him when the three-legged crow pecked out his left eye, while the Emperor laughed and spanked a consort with his longbow)->Ham -(In anger as he stood on a barren beach and thought about his father drunkenly brushing a giraffe)-> Lestek I -(Attacked by his wife while he was asleep, dreaming about a big fish eating a little fish)-> Kashekhemwy -(Inside a stone crypt thinking about loud music in the cold silence)-> King Parahu's Nameless Son-(in a cloud of incense, shut up in a crypt made of mud and stone, listening to the drums outside)-> Clodion de Chevelu-(Shut up in a crypt, trying to cut his hair with blunt rocks)-> Acestorides -(with eyes half closed, watching his banished enemy becoming a speck on the horizon, furiously masturbating)-> Simeon I of Bulgaria -(on the toilet, or, what passed for a toilet back then)-> Pepin the Hunchback -(In the doorway of a monastery, his hands becoming claws)-> Frederick I Barbarossa -(from birth)-> Charles IV --> Tewodros -(after a battle pulling the teeth out of the enemy corpses, he pricked his finger on a fang) -> Pipo of Ozora -(In a ceremony for the Order of the Dragon, where he made love to a masked woman and then was showered with cattle guts)-> THE BOSS
NOTE: Though The Boss' initials are "VD", the curse is in no way a venereal disease
Transmission of the Cursed Blood in the Ancient World; From Adam:
Adam Ruhani -(pre-curse)-> Homo Habilis -(half-curse)-> Cain -(full curse)-> Patient Zero -(identity unknown, attacked under a naked, black tree)-> The Hunter, Gracchus-(the curse came alive in his blood when he was struck down by the gods for hunting a sacred bird. Alive, in his coffin he still navigates the waterways of the underworld)-> Frinklaan Malone -(deceased and then reborn, building collectible antiques and buying them centuries later)-> a nameless ape -(left-handed, likes: The colors brown and red, fucking, killing. Dislikes: Light, the seasons, clouds, the sun, unblemished skin.)-> Gilgamesh I -(after he played a drum solo on the bones of Enkidu, while crying in seamstress's house, over a crack in the floor which lead directly to the netherworld)-> Puru-ravas Aila I -(Smiling as he dipped his hand in salt and then slapped his grandfather to death)-> Nimrod -(caught the bad gene from his mother, not by birth but later when he had sex with her)-> Laomedon --> Jade Emperor of Yu Huang -(when he buried a gaggle of children up to their necks in his courtyard and and ate a banquet in front of them, and later, when he washed his hands with vinegar)-> Sargon I of Akkad -(the curse was awakened in his blood when he took a shit on his astrolabe and then ate the flesh of a woman)-> Emperor Qin Shi Huang -(Attacked at age 49, awoke covered in blood surrounded by his terracotta army, now with a stutter in his heart and fangs)-> Dangun Wanggeom's bastard son by a women with a tattoo-(His blood boiling as he kicked a horse to death at a country fair)-> Abydos II-(Attacked while dancing in the shadow of a cracked boulder)-> Royal Shoemaker for Emperor Jimmu -(the curse awoke in him when the three-legged crow pecked out his left eye, while the Emperor laughed and spanked a consort with his longbow)->Ham -(In anger as he stood on a barren beach and thought about his father drunkenly brushing a giraffe)-> Lestek I -(Attacked by his wife while he was asleep, dreaming about a big fish eating a little fish)-> Kashekhemwy -(Inside a stone crypt thinking about loud music in the cold silence)-> King Parahu's Nameless Son-(in a cloud of incense, shut up in a crypt made of mud and stone, listening to the drums outside)-> Clodion de Chevelu-(Shut up in a crypt, trying to cut his hair with blunt rocks)-> Acestorides -(with eyes half closed, watching his banished enemy becoming a speck on the horizon, furiously masturbating)-> Simeon I of Bulgaria -(on the toilet, or, what passed for a toilet back then)-> Pepin the Hunchback -(In the doorway of a monastery, his hands becoming claws)-> Frederick I Barbarossa -(from birth)-> Charles IV --> Tewodros -(after a battle pulling the teeth out of the enemy corpses, he pricked his finger on a fang) -> Pipo of Ozora -(In a ceremony for the Order of the Dragon, where he made love to a masked woman and then was showered with cattle guts)-> THE BOSS
NOTE: Though The Boss' initials are "VD", the curse is in no way a venereal disease
8.12.2010
7.18.2010
GENTLEMEN;
Has it really been a year..?
What the fuck. As bad as last year, less shocking though.
This is happening in the world you and I live in.
edit:
Joseph Bruce was the last born of three children. His father, Richard Bruce, stole all of the family's money and left when Bruce was two years old.[2] Joe's mother, Linda, was forced to care for him and his siblings, Robert and Theresa, off the income she made as a janitor. At age four, Joe and his brother caught a butterfly, and both were fascinated by the vibrant colors and overall peacefulness of the creature.[2] They kept the butterfly in a jar overnight, and intended to free it the following morning. When they awoke, the brothers found the butterfly had died, and felt as if they had committed a murder. The brothers made a vow that "one day, [they] will make it to heaven, so that [they] can [...] apologize to that Butterfly face-to-face."[2] On every Insane Clown Posse album and EP it reads "Dedicated to the Butterfly" because of this vow.
Found on Wikipedia
6.23.2010
PART 4: THE GLISTENING
This is part 4, parts of part 4. Part 4 is currently unfinished and I am working on it.
PS- The first panel in the second image references Henri Rousseau's "Black attacked by leopard," progenitor of quasi-racism playing in the blurred lines between genius and manchildism. That's right, I'm calling you and Daniel Johnston to the carpet.
(Just kidding I love Rousseau. And I don't think that picture is racist.)
WORKS PART 3: WONDERS CEASE
I may not know what I like nor do I know art but these are scenes from part 3, thank you for looking at scenes from part 3.
OLD NEW WORKS PT.2(PS THIS SHIT IS COPYRIGHT AND WHATNOT SO I WILL CHOKE YOU OUT)(AMERICA)(THE WHOLE WORLD)
Images from part 2 of "Golden Age 3056".
6.22.2010
NEW(OLD?) WORK
Here is a sampling of some images from the thing I am currently working on, a comic called "Golden Age"
This is all from part 1 and I am already on part 4 but I am just getting around to scanning it all.
It's new but also old considering I have been working on it for a long time. Old new.
Altneu.
I started working on it in the attic of the synagogue until I went haywire, scaring the very rabbi who created me.
He erased the aleph from my name and I fell apart, back into the dirt and religious texts from which I was made.
This is all from part 1 and I am already on part 4 but I am just getting around to scanning it all.
It's new but also old considering I have been working on it for a long time. Old new.
Altneu.
I started working on it in the attic of the synagogue until I went haywire, scaring the very rabbi who created me.
He erased the aleph from my name and I fell apart, back into the dirt and religious texts from which I was made.
6.14.2010
"FUCK Y'ALL™" C.1908
Amongst the evils of a penal colony is the society of those who form it; and if the reader is worthy of better company, he will need no words from me to remind him of what he has to put up with at present. If he has a soul above the common, or if he is a man of genius, he will occasionally feel like some noble prisoner of state, condemned to work in the galleys with common criminals; and he will follow his example and try to isolate himself.
5.27.2010
HALF UNCANNY VALLEY TAIWANESE SHARK ALLIGATOR(WOMEN OBJECTIFIED AGAIN, BUT HALFWAY)
Greetings from those United States,
may I present today's topic with all types of cartoon sound-effects;
Gentlemen, if you will, please skip to 3:00mins
may I present today's topic with all types of cartoon sound-effects;
Gentlemen, if you will, please skip to 3:00mins
5.13.2010
PERHAPS YOU HAVEN'T HEARD
My lovely lady:
I am coming to America on May 19th, eleven o'clockish.
How long will I be there?
I don't know maybe a year or so.
Then I go back to Japan and get married.
Think about it.
I am coming to America on May 19th, eleven o'clockish.
How long will I be there?
I don't know maybe a year or so.
Then I go back to Japan and get married.
Think about it.
4.26.2010
4.23.2010
BARDO: OUR JOURNEY
(How the internet helped me to understand)
In the terma discovered by Karma Lingpa, Guru Padmasambhava introduces six different bardos.
The first bardo begins when we take birth and endures as long as we live.
Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born.
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.
The second is the bardo of dreams.
(self-explanatory)
The third is the bardo of concentration or meditation.
...In seeing there is love, in being seen there is abhorrence. One grins, trying to bear the pain of being seen. But not just anyone can be someone who only looks. If the one who is looked at looks back, then the person who was looking becomes the one who is looked at...
The fourth occurs at the moment of death.
At the end of the Hentai Manga Alice in Sexland, it is revealed that Alice broke her neck while fleeing from her oppressors at the very start - the entire realm of Sexland is her afterlife. (And it's explicitly single-occupant - she's the only "real" person there besides the Queen of Hearts, and one of them needs to be reincarnated.) Given that the whole story up until then has been a cheerful sexual adventure vaguely mimicing Carroll's classic book, it's a rather unsettling twist of genre.
Or so you heard?
I think we're mature enough to acknowledge that we all enjoy porn. also, its not that the characters aside from Alice and the Queen aren't "real", they're more akin to nature spirits than souls. remember that Sexland is a Japanese story, and that the major religion of Japan is animistic.
The fifth is known as the bardo of the luminosity of the true nature.
The sixth is called the bardo of transmigration or karmic becoming
In the terma discovered by Karma Lingpa, Guru Padmasambhava introduces six different bardos.
The first bardo begins when we take birth and endures as long as we live.
Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born.
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.
The second is the bardo of dreams.
(self-explanatory)
The third is the bardo of concentration or meditation.
...In seeing there is love, in being seen there is abhorrence. One grins, trying to bear the pain of being seen. But not just anyone can be someone who only looks. If the one who is looked at looks back, then the person who was looking becomes the one who is looked at...
The fourth occurs at the moment of death.
At the end of the Hentai Manga Alice in Sexland, it is revealed that Alice broke her neck while fleeing from her oppressors at the very start - the entire realm of Sexland is her afterlife. (And it's explicitly single-occupant - she's the only "real" person there besides the Queen of Hearts, and one of them needs to be reincarnated.) Given that the whole story up until then has been a cheerful sexual adventure vaguely mimicing Carroll's classic book, it's a rather unsettling twist of genre.
Or so you heard?
I think we're mature enough to acknowledge that we all enjoy porn. also, its not that the characters aside from Alice and the Queen aren't "real", they're more akin to nature spirits than souls. remember that Sexland is a Japanese story, and that the major religion of Japan is animistic.
The fifth is known as the bardo of the luminosity of the true nature.
The sixth is called the bardo of transmigration or karmic becoming
4.11.2010
I AM PSALM
YEAH, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE UNCANNY VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF SEX
I WILL FEAR FOR EVIL: FOR THE ART WITHIN ME
MY ROD MY STAFF MY COMFORT FOOD
PREPAID, AND ON THE TABLE BEFORE ME, THE PRESENTS OF MINE ENEMIES
TO ALLOW THIS HEAD TO BOIL; MY CUP RUNNETH OVER
ON SHORE LEAVE GOOSEFLESH AND MERCY FLOW OVER ME THE DAYS OF MY LIFE
I WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER
I WILL FEAR FOR EVIL: FOR THE ART WITHIN ME
MY ROD MY STAFF MY COMFORT FOOD
PREPAID, AND ON THE TABLE BEFORE ME, THE PRESENTS OF MINE ENEMIES
TO ALLOW THIS HEAD TO BOIL; MY CUP RUNNETH OVER
ON SHORE LEAVE GOOSEFLESH AND MERCY FLOW OVER ME THE DAYS OF MY LIFE
I WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER
4.09.2010
TIME, TO DIE
I know that the above video is supposed to make me feel the wonder and majesty of our world, but instead, it has had the opposite effect.
It is time to end my faggot life and say goodbye to this cruel world of miracles.
The Undersigned, (DECEASED)
A. Degen
3.25.2010
WHAT IS ANIME FOUL IS ANIME FAIR
So I am working at the 2010 Tokyo Anime Fair today through Sunday, doing English interpreting for my friends' three man animation studio.
What can I say?
If I knew at age 12 I would one day be working in the belly of the anime beast, the age 12 me would be elated.
(feel free to skip this next section, and go directly to B)
A:
But this shit is not Fist of The North Star, and it is sure as hell not Akira. Shit dog, it's not even Bubblegum Crisis.
From what I understand anime today is video game tie-ins like Pokemon, rehashes of old shit from almost half a century ago like Doraemon etc., some race cars and robots, but for the most part, the most popular shits is obviously shows about 12 year old girls hanging out at home and having mundane conversations.
Imagine four twelve year old girls talking about shampoo in high pitched voices. Now, know that a man is masturbating to these twelve year old girls. Now grit your teeth and shake your head.
I have seen animes about girls being raped by tentacles and clockwork statues of the Buddha, I have seen an anime about fighting waitresses in a no-holds barred combat tournament where they rape each other to win, etc., and somehow all that is less perverse than this. It is my theory that this anime pandering to sex and violence blunted the overall nerd capacity for sex and violence and now they are so glutted and desensitized that they can only beat off to a group of middleschoolers preparing food and taking pratfalls. Now hump a pillow shaped like a child.
Yikes.
Anyway:
B.
I was super hyped to find the DIRECTIONS display booth which had an extended trailer for ACBU's AMAZONESS (Below is the short trailer that has been around for a while, the new one isn't up yet)
This shit is too awesome. Please watch it more than once. I wish I could put up the newer one, it is longer.
Also if you have hung out with me in the last 3 or so years I have shown you this, also made by ACBU, the video for ZAMAGI's "Magical Death".
The dude at the booth was kind of freaked out that I was into Zamagi. I pretended like I was down from day one but the truth is my old studio mate went to highschool with them.
Then I stood around and watched the same animation about teaching kids about how to brush their teeth. This was playing at the booth across from the booth where I am working. I watched this animation on repeat for six or so hours only stopping a few times to smoke or drink something.
And I am prepared to do this again, tomorrow, which also happens to be my birthday.
My girlfriend is taking me out for some kind of surprise afterward.
How can I explain to her that I can no longer maintain an erection unless she is a group of twelve year old girls?
What can I say?
If I knew at age 12 I would one day be working in the belly of the anime beast, the age 12 me would be elated.
(feel free to skip this next section, and go directly to B)
A:
But this shit is not Fist of The North Star, and it is sure as hell not Akira. Shit dog, it's not even Bubblegum Crisis.
From what I understand anime today is video game tie-ins like Pokemon, rehashes of old shit from almost half a century ago like Doraemon etc., some race cars and robots, but for the most part, the most popular shits is obviously shows about 12 year old girls hanging out at home and having mundane conversations.
Imagine four twelve year old girls talking about shampoo in high pitched voices. Now, know that a man is masturbating to these twelve year old girls. Now grit your teeth and shake your head.
I have seen animes about girls being raped by tentacles and clockwork statues of the Buddha, I have seen an anime about fighting waitresses in a no-holds barred combat tournament where they rape each other to win, etc., and somehow all that is less perverse than this. It is my theory that this anime pandering to sex and violence blunted the overall nerd capacity for sex and violence and now they are so glutted and desensitized that they can only beat off to a group of middleschoolers preparing food and taking pratfalls. Now hump a pillow shaped like a child.
Yikes.
Anyway:
B.
I was super hyped to find the DIRECTIONS display booth which had an extended trailer for ACBU's AMAZONESS (Below is the short trailer that has been around for a while, the new one isn't up yet)
This shit is too awesome. Please watch it more than once. I wish I could put up the newer one, it is longer.
Also if you have hung out with me in the last 3 or so years I have shown you this, also made by ACBU, the video for ZAMAGI's "Magical Death".
The dude at the booth was kind of freaked out that I was into Zamagi. I pretended like I was down from day one but the truth is my old studio mate went to highschool with them.
Then I stood around and watched the same animation about teaching kids about how to brush their teeth. This was playing at the booth across from the booth where I am working. I watched this animation on repeat for six or so hours only stopping a few times to smoke or drink something.
And I am prepared to do this again, tomorrow, which also happens to be my birthday.
My girlfriend is taking me out for some kind of surprise afterward.
How can I explain to her that I can no longer maintain an erection unless she is a group of twelve year old girls?
3.12.2010
WOODY GUTHRIE?
Should I bother even commenting on this?
I can't believe this is a product of our country.
Glenn Beck is a "gee-shucks" Father Coughlin with the borrowed apoplectic paranoia of the 1990s militia movement.
There is a 24hr news network working a narrative with aims to dupe Americans to vote against their own social and economic interests.
The Fox narrative constantly tries to re-work the truth of our American history to serve the current right wing talking points, whether it be FDR's legacy, Vietnam, Reagan, the recent Bush administration, whatever.
But why is Beck bringing up Woody Guthrie(1:38)? And comparing Woody Guthrie to Mao?
This land IS our land. I understand that Beck and his cohorts are on the payroll of companies that believe that this land is their land. But this land was made for you and me.
3.11.2010
3.10.2010
3.05.2010
I LOVE YOU GOODLUCK JOHNATHAN
Who is the current acting president of Nigeria you ask?
Why, it's Goodluck Johnathan.
(Which is only slightly a better name than "Okey Billy Boniface", as seen in Baby Police)
I love you Goodluck Johnathan. And I love you Nigeria. But more than the man himself I love the name. And more than the name I love the Johnathan in the name.
Please allow me to tell you the story of Johnathan:
Some time ago I went to Karaoke with some friends, and my friend Kei was singing a song that was either by the Blue Hearts or some other permutation of the Blue Hearts. I can't remember what the song was called. The chorus went like this:
"REAL
REALITY
REAL
REALITY"
But that's not the important part of the story. The important part of the story is this: The beginning of the song, and subsequently every verse following the chorus, was simply these lyrics:
"JOHNATHAN
(pause)
JOHNATHAN".
I don't know what this means or who Johnathan is. I don't know how Johnathan is linked to the real reality in the chorus. But I know that the name Johnathan got me hyped.
I am not sure why but when I was in a cramped room full of people singing the name "Johnathan" I felt like a horse being spurred. I felt like I had divided in two and watched half of me wave as he boarded a rocket. I knew words and I knew they didn't mean anything anymore.
The word "Johnathan" became tremendously funny to me. I say "word" and not "name" because the name is not funny. Just the word. This is an important distinction.
I have friends named Johnathan and I am in no way laughing at them or their name. It is a good name and apparently it means "given by god" (YHWH(shortened) plus NTN).
The funny part of Johnathan is in Johnathan being sung. The funny part of Johnathan is perhaps the real reality. The magic of Johnathan is "Johnathan".
I shared the power of Johnathan with a friend who also found Johnathan hilarious. We would make callbacks to Johnathan. Johnathan was constantly referenced.
But somewhere Johnathan stopped being funny. And if not funny, it lost its magic. My friend was introducing himself as Johnathan at parties. People were saying Johnathan too much. He ruined it. Or I did. Anyway, it got driven into the ground.
But the power of Johnathan has come back into my life. Johnathan is magic again.
And this is from listening to NPR's "All Things Considered". They told me all about Goodluck Johnathan.
When I heard this name I knew.
I love you Goodluck Johnathan.
Why, it's Goodluck Johnathan.
(Which is only slightly a better name than "Okey Billy Boniface", as seen in Baby Police)
I love you Goodluck Johnathan. And I love you Nigeria. But more than the man himself I love the name. And more than the name I love the Johnathan in the name.
Please allow me to tell you the story of Johnathan:
Some time ago I went to Karaoke with some friends, and my friend Kei was singing a song that was either by the Blue Hearts or some other permutation of the Blue Hearts. I can't remember what the song was called. The chorus went like this:
"REAL
REALITY
REAL
REALITY"
But that's not the important part of the story. The important part of the story is this: The beginning of the song, and subsequently every verse following the chorus, was simply these lyrics:
"JOHNATHAN
(pause)
JOHNATHAN".
I don't know what this means or who Johnathan is. I don't know how Johnathan is linked to the real reality in the chorus. But I know that the name Johnathan got me hyped.
I am not sure why but when I was in a cramped room full of people singing the name "Johnathan" I felt like a horse being spurred. I felt like I had divided in two and watched half of me wave as he boarded a rocket. I knew words and I knew they didn't mean anything anymore.
The word "Johnathan" became tremendously funny to me. I say "word" and not "name" because the name is not funny. Just the word. This is an important distinction.
I have friends named Johnathan and I am in no way laughing at them or their name. It is a good name and apparently it means "given by god" (YHWH(shortened) plus NTN).
The funny part of Johnathan is in Johnathan being sung. The funny part of Johnathan is perhaps the real reality. The magic of Johnathan is "Johnathan".
I shared the power of Johnathan with a friend who also found Johnathan hilarious. We would make callbacks to Johnathan. Johnathan was constantly referenced.
But somewhere Johnathan stopped being funny. And if not funny, it lost its magic. My friend was introducing himself as Johnathan at parties. People were saying Johnathan too much. He ruined it. Or I did. Anyway, it got driven into the ground.
But the power of Johnathan has come back into my life. Johnathan is magic again.
And this is from listening to NPR's "All Things Considered". They told me all about Goodluck Johnathan.
When I heard this name I knew.
I love you Goodluck Johnathan.
2.19.2010
AGAIN, AND FROM THE HEART, FUCK YOU JAPAN; or CRUELTY
So I just saw this on TV, apparently this 14 year old British girl got a DVD/record deal from being a popular youtube celebrity, gaining fans among Japanese pederasts.
What the fuck. When do I get signed?
A JOKE THAT DIDN'T WORK BUT I STILL FIND FUNNY
So I cracked myself up the other day.
I was sitting on a park bench with a friend of mine smoking a cigarette and talking.
Then a Chinese tour group came by, being lead by the tour leader who had a flag that he was waving.
We were in a big open section of Yoyogi park but for some reason the tour group was walking in single file really close to us. Really close to us, almost bumping into our knees. We joked that they were trying to vibe us on some national rivalry.
So I told my friend I was going to run up to their assembled tour group and yell "STEVE JOBS MOTHERFUCKER" and then run away.
And then I laughed really hard.
Because in my mind Steve Jobs is the president of google and, China, and you know. But Steve Jobs isn't the president of google and my friend didn't understand what I was laughing about.
Later I died and they dug up my mind and put it on a pedestal in a museum. At night after all the museum visitors had left my mind got down from the pedestal and started humping one of the automatic robots that waxes the museum floors.
I was sitting on a park bench with a friend of mine smoking a cigarette and talking.
Then a Chinese tour group came by, being lead by the tour leader who had a flag that he was waving.
We were in a big open section of Yoyogi park but for some reason the tour group was walking in single file really close to us. Really close to us, almost bumping into our knees. We joked that they were trying to vibe us on some national rivalry.
So I told my friend I was going to run up to their assembled tour group and yell "STEVE JOBS MOTHERFUCKER" and then run away.
And then I laughed really hard.
Because in my mind Steve Jobs is the president of google and, China, and you know. But Steve Jobs isn't the president of google and my friend didn't understand what I was laughing about.
Later I died and they dug up my mind and put it on a pedestal in a museum. At night after all the museum visitors had left my mind got down from the pedestal and started humping one of the automatic robots that waxes the museum floors.
2.18.2010
READ KIERKEGAARD AND REGRET IT
Laugh at the stupidities of the world, and you will regret it; weep over them, and you will also regret it. Laugh at the stupidities of the world or weep over them, you will regret it either way. Whether you laugh at the stupidities of the world or you weep over them, you will regret it either way. Trust a girl, and you will regret it. Do not trust her, and you will also regret it. Trust a girl or do not trust her, you will regret it either way. Whether you trust a girl or do not trust her, you will regret it either way. Hang yourself, and you will regret it. Do not hang yourself, and you will also regret it. Hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret it either way. Whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret it either way.
2.17.2010
FOLLOW UP
We just had an earthquake.
Please disregard the last post.
Sending out negative energy is a bad idea.
Please disregard the last post.
Sending out negative energy is a bad idea.
WHAT WE TALK ABOUT WHEN WE TALK TO THE PREMATURELY OBSOLESCENT
There are these people around now who want to talk about rugs and glasses and eye-glasses and I am pretty sure that I have to die soon. They want to show us a rug. They were going to buy a rug they saw in one place but then they found the same rug for this much at another place. The price was less at the other place. Same rug. Here's a hardcover book about rugs on a table on top of the previously mentioned rug. Did we tell you the story about the table?
My girlfriend is looking at the table, the rug, and then at me, and then at me reflected in our host's eyeglasses. The hostess is hanging on the host's arm and beaming with pride; she is holding a glass of wine with a specific shape in a specific color with a specific taste bought from somewhere she found. Evidently the store didn't exist until she found it. My girlfriend is listening with rapt attention and is probably tallying up some numbers in her head. My girlfriend is talking to the hostess about a mutual friend's wedding. The hostess hooks her digital camera up to the laptop on the kitchen counter to show us pictures from the wedding. I don't know who any of the people are in the picture other than myself, my girlfriend, the host and the hostess. We are looking at pictures of ourselves at the wedding and my girlfriend and the hostess are talking about how much weight the bride had lost to fit into her dress. They are talking about how the growth in the bride's vagina, thank goodness, was benign, and the hostess has pulled out some scans from the MRI.
The host wants to talk to me about the winter Olympics, and is angry that I don't know anything about who got what medal from which country. Then he asks me a series of questions about Canada but I don't know the answers. I explain to him that I am not from Canada and I don't know the population of Canada. We make vague guesses at the population of Canada while my girlfriend and the hostess laugh about some mutual friend and something this friend did when they were all sixteen years old.
The host is telling me about how he goes surfing and then says a bunch of technical surfing terms and smiles widely at the recognition he believes he sees in my face. The hostess overhears the conversation and she tells the host to get his surfboard and his wetsuit to show us. The host very modestly protests this. The hostess begs him to get his surfboard and his wetsuit and he laughs and protests. My girlfriend joins in and begs him to get his surfboard and his wetsuit. This goes on for a very long time and I want to smoke a cigarette, but can't in this clean house and want my girlfriend to go with me to stand and smoke on the tiny veranda. But she is still begging the host to get his surfboard. Finally the host, while still protesting, goes into the other room and comes out with the surfboard and the wetsuit and my girlfriend is yelling with shock and admiration at him. Or maybe she is yelling at the surfboard. The ceiling is too low for him to stand it up so he is holding it awkwardly in his arms. My girlfriend and the hostess are looking at it and he is talking about the beaches and the best trains to take to get there. The hostess has forgotten what side she is on and is matching my girlfriend's exaggerated reactions to the surfboard and the wetsuit. My girlfriend is looking at the wetsuit and nodding while the host tells us about the difference between the waves in Australia and Tokyo. My girlfriend hands me the wetsuit and I am calculating how long I have to look at it and nod before I can hand it back. I am not sure what do with the wetsuit and hand it back to my girlfriend.
They serve us some food which is flavorless boiled vegetables and rice. The hostess talks to us about macrobiotics and explains to us the virtue of flavorless food, and how it has not only made her more healthy, but more positive. She now understands things about nature, and the implication is, that no one else does. My girlfriend has now matched the the hostesses zeal and is talking about healthy food and chiding me for eating curry and ramen. This is my girlfriend, who lives on a diet of noodles, soup, rice omelettes, garlic, menthol cigarettes, and alcohol.
The host wants to ask me some questions about Eminem and what he is doing these days. Do Americans still like Eminem? Do Black people in America like Eminem? Is America really like the America depicted in the movie "8 Mile"?
Now I am praying for the earthquake that they have been threatening me with since I came to this country. But I feel bad about this, thinking about Haiti. But then again if the big one came it would bury all of the filing cabinets and all of the information on me which I have been racking up since I set foot in this country. Would I feel bad? I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt. Could the earthquake just localize to the immigration office, my apartment, the university, and this apartment with the rugs and wine? I would feel bad, I guess, if anyone got hurt. Present company excluded.
My girlfriend is looking at the table, the rug, and then at me, and then at me reflected in our host's eyeglasses. The hostess is hanging on the host's arm and beaming with pride; she is holding a glass of wine with a specific shape in a specific color with a specific taste bought from somewhere she found. Evidently the store didn't exist until she found it. My girlfriend is listening with rapt attention and is probably tallying up some numbers in her head. My girlfriend is talking to the hostess about a mutual friend's wedding. The hostess hooks her digital camera up to the laptop on the kitchen counter to show us pictures from the wedding. I don't know who any of the people are in the picture other than myself, my girlfriend, the host and the hostess. We are looking at pictures of ourselves at the wedding and my girlfriend and the hostess are talking about how much weight the bride had lost to fit into her dress. They are talking about how the growth in the bride's vagina, thank goodness, was benign, and the hostess has pulled out some scans from the MRI.
The host wants to talk to me about the winter Olympics, and is angry that I don't know anything about who got what medal from which country. Then he asks me a series of questions about Canada but I don't know the answers. I explain to him that I am not from Canada and I don't know the population of Canada. We make vague guesses at the population of Canada while my girlfriend and the hostess laugh about some mutual friend and something this friend did when they were all sixteen years old.
The host is telling me about how he goes surfing and then says a bunch of technical surfing terms and smiles widely at the recognition he believes he sees in my face. The hostess overhears the conversation and she tells the host to get his surfboard and his wetsuit to show us. The host very modestly protests this. The hostess begs him to get his surfboard and his wetsuit and he laughs and protests. My girlfriend joins in and begs him to get his surfboard and his wetsuit. This goes on for a very long time and I want to smoke a cigarette, but can't in this clean house and want my girlfriend to go with me to stand and smoke on the tiny veranda. But she is still begging the host to get his surfboard. Finally the host, while still protesting, goes into the other room and comes out with the surfboard and the wetsuit and my girlfriend is yelling with shock and admiration at him. Or maybe she is yelling at the surfboard. The ceiling is too low for him to stand it up so he is holding it awkwardly in his arms. My girlfriend and the hostess are looking at it and he is talking about the beaches and the best trains to take to get there. The hostess has forgotten what side she is on and is matching my girlfriend's exaggerated reactions to the surfboard and the wetsuit. My girlfriend is looking at the wetsuit and nodding while the host tells us about the difference between the waves in Australia and Tokyo. My girlfriend hands me the wetsuit and I am calculating how long I have to look at it and nod before I can hand it back. I am not sure what do with the wetsuit and hand it back to my girlfriend.
They serve us some food which is flavorless boiled vegetables and rice. The hostess talks to us about macrobiotics and explains to us the virtue of flavorless food, and how it has not only made her more healthy, but more positive. She now understands things about nature, and the implication is, that no one else does. My girlfriend has now matched the the hostesses zeal and is talking about healthy food and chiding me for eating curry and ramen. This is my girlfriend, who lives on a diet of noodles, soup, rice omelettes, garlic, menthol cigarettes, and alcohol.
The host wants to ask me some questions about Eminem and what he is doing these days. Do Americans still like Eminem? Do Black people in America like Eminem? Is America really like the America depicted in the movie "8 Mile"?
Now I am praying for the earthquake that they have been threatening me with since I came to this country. But I feel bad about this, thinking about Haiti. But then again if the big one came it would bury all of the filing cabinets and all of the information on me which I have been racking up since I set foot in this country. Would I feel bad? I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt. Could the earthquake just localize to the immigration office, my apartment, the university, and this apartment with the rugs and wine? I would feel bad, I guess, if anyone got hurt. Present company excluded.
2.16.2010
2.05.2010
2.01.2010
DALLAS PENN IS STILL THE KING OF YOUTUBE IN 2010
Continuing his reign from 2009 until~
"She's getting married for chrissakes. And she's your daughter. And she's nine years old."
"She's getting married for chrissakes. And she's your daughter. And she's nine years old."
1.29.2010
OH, AND ALSO, JD SALINGER IS DEAD
JD Salinger is dead but everyone is quoting Akutagawa:
"Once he had finished writing "The Life of a Stupid Man", he happened to see a stuffed swan in a secondhand shop. It stood with its head held high, but its wings were yellowed and moth-eaten. As he thought about his life, he felt both tears and mockery welling up inside him. All that lay before him was madness or suicide. He walked down the darkening street alone, determined now to wait for the destiny that would come to annihilate him."
"Once he had finished writing "The Life of a Stupid Man", he happened to see a stuffed swan in a secondhand shop. It stood with its head held high, but its wings were yellowed and moth-eaten. As he thought about his life, he felt both tears and mockery welling up inside him. All that lay before him was madness or suicide. He walked down the darkening street alone, determined now to wait for the destiny that would come to annihilate him."
WHITE PEOPLE FLIP OUT ABOUT PORTABLE COMPUTER
"This changes the face of computing" said area white man.
Apparently the current face of computing opened its computer mouth and delivered a speech about some kind of tablet complete with stylus for digital cuneiformatting.
"I'm holding it in my hands but it is so light I am not sure if I am actually still holding it in my hands!" screamed a white woman, who was indeed holding the tablet. During her brief statement she checked multiple times to make sure she was still holding this marvel of science.
Later some people talked about a television show and a possible war between two rival television shows. Almost imperceptibly an explosion was heard in the distance.
Apparently the current face of computing opened its computer mouth and delivered a speech about some kind of tablet complete with stylus for digital cuneiformatting.
"I'm holding it in my hands but it is so light I am not sure if I am actually still holding it in my hands!" screamed a white woman, who was indeed holding the tablet. During her brief statement she checked multiple times to make sure she was still holding this marvel of science.
Later some people talked about a television show and a possible war between two rival television shows. Almost imperceptibly an explosion was heard in the distance.
BEEN HAD SEXUAL REPRESSION IN SOUTH KOREA, GAMINES MUGGING IN HYPE WILLIAMS COLORS
Well well well,
there is something deeply perverse in all of this. I can't put my finger on it.
I can only imagine I am the young finger of a fresh faced girl, poking snuggly into a dimpled cheek.
No these girls aren't using sign language, they are in fact, Korean.
Why do they mug and throw crazy gestures on every close-up?
How many winks and hand flutters can you throw out before it looks like a tic?
Why do I want to make love to all of these child-women and or kill myself/animals in front of them?
These videos are from this year but they feel like post-war live television time paradox where there was a geritol commercial interrupting the "No Scrubs" video.
there is something deeply perverse in all of this. I can't put my finger on it.
I can only imagine I am the young finger of a fresh faced girl, poking snuggly into a dimpled cheek.
No these girls aren't using sign language, they are in fact, Korean.
Why do they mug and throw crazy gestures on every close-up?
How many winks and hand flutters can you throw out before it looks like a tic?
Why do I want to make love to all of these child-women and or kill myself/animals in front of them?
These videos are from this year but they feel like post-war live television time paradox where there was a geritol commercial interrupting the "No Scrubs" video.
1.28.2010
1.27.2010
2010: STATE OF THE WEB THREE POINT OH
STEP ONE: Man/woman/child/building falls down and/or animal does something in front of a camera.
STEP TWO: Science builds a hairstyle in front of a map of Los Angeles and this hairstyle births a lined forehead connected to a Casey Kasem-esque construct. The construct achieves consciousness and sees the footage of Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something. The construct then makes a video of himself commenting on the Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something, using a voice bubbling out of an fm radio in his throat which is powered by hair gel. (see below)
STEP THREE: I think about how much all the stuff in my room costs and how much of it will possibly be regarded as treasure in some unforseeable future scenario. Too distracted to tally up this astronomical future fantasy sum I look at the internet to see this Kaseman commenting on Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something and am thoroughly disgusted. I try to imagine why this Kasemite would bother making these videos; I question his dreams and aspirations. Does he want to be the Kasem that this hairstyle and LA LOOKS voice has made him? Is this a stepping stone to a Shadow Stevens style voice-life? Does he think his uninspired commentary on Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something is interesting? Does he question how parasitic this is?
Asking myself these questions out loud I post a video of mediocre man throwing bland quips at a blooper reel on my blog and wait.
STEP FOUR: I wait and fantasize. I think of my blog and who might be looking at it. An attractive woman fingering herself? Someone chained to a wall? Maybe the screen is showing my blog to an empty room. A room inside a boat? It is slightly terrifying.
STEP FIVE: Someone sees my blog about a man talking about a video. And this person draws a still life of my blog in a bowl of oranges.
STEP SIX: Complete and total collapse of everything and the last stragglers crawling out of the rubble to fight over the remaining goods, some humping the corpses strewn about, some humping the parts of the corpses sticking out from under the debris. Unimaginative religions are created and immediately forgotten.
STEP SEVEN: An unknowable amount of time passes.
STEP EIGHT: Someone comes into my room and starts assigning prices to all of my stuff. I will never know what these prices are because I am long dead. My skeleton lies in the center of the room and I am grinning about something. No one will ever know what I am grinning about because I am long dead. Later thieves take away my bones mistaking them for something else.
STEP TWO: Science builds a hairstyle in front of a map of Los Angeles and this hairstyle births a lined forehead connected to a Casey Kasem-esque construct. The construct achieves consciousness and sees the footage of Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something. The construct then makes a video of himself commenting on the Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something, using a voice bubbling out of an fm radio in his throat which is powered by hair gel. (see below)
STEP THREE: I think about how much all the stuff in my room costs and how much of it will possibly be regarded as treasure in some unforseeable future scenario. Too distracted to tally up this astronomical future fantasy sum I look at the internet to see this Kaseman commenting on Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something and am thoroughly disgusted. I try to imagine why this Kasemite would bother making these videos; I question his dreams and aspirations. Does he want to be the Kasem that this hairstyle and LA LOOKS voice has made him? Is this a stepping stone to a Shadow Stevens style voice-life? Does he think his uninspired commentary on Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something is interesting? Does he question how parasitic this is?
Asking myself these questions out loud I post a video of mediocre man throwing bland quips at a blooper reel on my blog and wait.
STEP FOUR: I wait and fantasize. I think of my blog and who might be looking at it. An attractive woman fingering herself? Someone chained to a wall? Maybe the screen is showing my blog to an empty room. A room inside a boat? It is slightly terrifying.
STEP FIVE: Someone sees my blog about a man talking about a video. And this person draws a still life of my blog in a bowl of oranges.
STEP SIX: Complete and total collapse of everything and the last stragglers crawling out of the rubble to fight over the remaining goods, some humping the corpses strewn about, some humping the parts of the corpses sticking out from under the debris. Unimaginative religions are created and immediately forgotten.
STEP SEVEN: An unknowable amount of time passes.
STEP EIGHT: Someone comes into my room and starts assigning prices to all of my stuff. I will never know what these prices are because I am long dead. My skeleton lies in the center of the room and I am grinning about something. No one will ever know what I am grinning about because I am long dead. Later thieves take away my bones mistaking them for something else.
1.26.2010
1.21.2010
1.19.2010
???
Sixty miles from Haiti's devastated earthquake zone, luxury liners dock at private beaches where passengers enjoy jetski rides, parasailing and rum cocktails delivered to their hammocks.
The 4,370-berth Independence of the Seas, owned by Royal Caribbean International, disembarked at the heavily guarded resort of Labadee on the north coast on Friday; a second cruise ship, the 3,100-passenger Navigator of the Seas is due to dock.
The Florida cruise company leases a picturesque wooded peninsula and its five pristine beaches from the government for passengers to "cut loose" with watersports, barbecues, and shopping for trinkets at a craft market before returning on board before dusk. Safety is guaranteed by armed guards at the gate.
The decision to go ahead with the visit has divided passengers. The ships carry some food aid, and the cruise line has pledged to donate all proceeds from the visit to help stricken Haitians. But many passengers will stay aboard when they dock; one said he was "sickened".
"I just can't see myself sunning on the beach, playing in the water, eating a barbecue, and enjoying a cocktail while [in Port-au-Prince] there are tens of thousands of dead people being piled up on the streets, with the survivors stunned and looking for food and water," one passenger wrote on the Cruise Critic internet forum.
"It was hard enough to sit and eat a picnic lunch at Labadee before the quake, knowing how many Haitians were starving," said another. "I can't imagine having to choke down a burger there now.''
Some booked on ships scheduled to stop at Labadee are afraid that desperate people might breach the resort's 12ft high fences to get food and drink, but others seemed determined to enjoy their holiday."I'll be there on Tuesday and I plan on enjoying my zip line excursion as well as the time on the beach," said one.
The company said the question of whether to "deliver a vacation experience so close to the epicentre of an earthquake" had been subject to considerable internal debate before it decided to include Haiti in its itineraries for the coming weeks.
"In the end, Labadee is critical to Haiti's recovery; hundreds of people rely on Labadee for their livelihood," said John Weis, vice-president. "In our conversations with the UN special envoy of the government of Haiti, Leslie Voltaire, he notes that Haiti will benefit from the revenues that are generated from each call …
"We also have tremendous opportunities to use our ships as transport vessels for relief supplies and personnel to Haiti. Simply put, we cannot abandon Haiti now that they need us most."
"Friday's call in Labadee went well," said Royal Caribbean. "Everything was open, as usual. The guests were very happy to hear that 100% of the proceeds from the call at Labadee would be donated to the relief effort."
Forty pallets of rice, beans, powdered milk, water, and canned foods were delivered on Friday, and a further 80 are due and 16 on two subsequent ships. When supplies arrive in Labadee, they are distributed by Food for the Poor, a longtime partner of Royal Caribbean in Haiti.
Royal Caribbean has also pledged $1m to the relief effort and will spend part of that helping 200 Haitian crew members.
The company recently spent $55m updating Labadee. It employs 230 Haitians and the firm estimates 300 more benefit from the market. The development has been regarded as a beacon of private investment in Haiti; Bill Clinton visited in October. Some Haitians have decried the leasing of the peninsula as effective privatisation of part of the republic's coastline.
VIA THE GUARDIAN.UK
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