CALENDAR DAYS ON WHICH I WILL DIE (PROJECTED)

Feb. 12th

Thousands of Februarys from now in a future where I live tethered to a potted plant. Forced into a compulsory one man focus group I will be beaten to death by my captors when I cannot answer which pair of underwear is whiter. The advertising campaign is a success because of my sacrifice.

Oct. 25th

In an accident on a highway. I am sitting in the front passenger seat. Someone I don't know is driving and someone I know is talking to be from the back.

March 8th

Killed by a two-headed woman in a convenience store bathroom. Domestic dispute. I am married to one of the heads. And living in the bathroom.

Jan. 12th

While on location as a talent scout for a reboot of a never popular children's show, the world ends. The last thing I see is glowing geometric patterns in the sky over the city. Crushed by falling architecture and left out of the final horribleness.

Aug. 7th

Killed by a complicated thought. I imagine a gunfight and am trying to calculate the amount of bullets shot from hypothetical guns, while the gunfight is interrupted by some characters, real and imagined, from my life. After seeing pets and family members torn apart in the fire-fight, my last brave act is to step out and wave my arms for a cease fire. Smugly proud of my own bravery, no matter how late, I die in real life as an old man in a hospital cafeteria face down in a plate of soup.

March 20th

Age 19, drunk driving. My car is found somewhere off of the Blue Ridge Parkway.

Jan. 22nd

While holding a telephone and looking at a cardinal at a bird feeder against a snowy backdrop.

May 3rd

Earthquake. My parents keep the hope that I am alive. Then they see a picture of me from ninth grade and decide to forget me.

Sept. 26th

At night I am choked to death by the cousin of a friend's boyfriend for not knowing the names of certain very important celebrities.

Jun. 15th

Killed by my fiancee in a complicated drinking game.

Dec. 14th

Self inflicted gunshot wound.
My spirit enters one of the following machines:
1. Gas flame which keeps the track switchers unfrozen on a southern freight line
2. Broken crane at an unused dock on the China Sea.
3. Automatic floor polisher at an art museum.
4. Child's toy guitar.
5. Mannequin
6. Random number generator computer used by codebreakers, a video camera with the lens cap on, assigning numbers to the visual noise.