11.30.2009
11.27.2009
ALLY MCBEAL/JON BON JOVI BUTT-SNIFFING
So I just got off the phone with my brother, and he was telling me about how he has been teaching in this new building which has men and womens bathrooms on alternating floors. He ended up bumping into one of his students as he was leaving the men's room and they started up a conversation. There was a flush and a girl came out of one of the stalls and started talking to my brother and his student, and my brother was shocked that a girl was using the men's room. Apparently she didn't feel like going all the way upstairs or something. And my brother said it was a strange situation. A girl in the men's room.
And this reminded me of something. When I first came to Japan I would end up in conversations where girls would be asking me if it was really normal to have co-ed bathrooms in American office buildings. More than once. More than a few times I was asked this and it was pretty confusing.
It turned out that this was a major setting in the television show "Ally Mcbeal". There was a co-ed bathroom where the male and female characters would hang out together and talk. And this must have had some penetration into the consciousness of all these Japanese girls who watched that show. (In a similar but different way, I am constantly asked if it is normal in America for people to sit with their shoes on, in or on top of their bed. Of course it isn't. But I guess it happens a lot on American TV shows and movies. And in this country people leave their shoes at the door so I guess it is doubly horrifying to see someone sitting on a bed resting their shoes on the covers).
The thing is, I had never really watched Ally Mcbeal at all until a few years ago. The first time I really watched Ally Mcbeal was in Japan, dubbed in Japanese. My girlfriend of the time bought all of the seasons for cheap from a video store that was going out of business. And I would watch episodes of Ally Mcbeal with my ex, her little sister, and her roommate. They were hooked and watched multiple episodes every day.
I don't know if you have ever watched Ally Mcbeal. I have watched huge chunks of Ally Mcbeal. Not by choice. Ally Mcbeal makes no sense. Everything the characters say and do, all of their desires, hopes, and dreams are entirely unlike any actual person who has ever lived or died. They work in a law firm which has a co-ed toilet that they hang out in and talk about love and their biological clocks and flirt in a hollywood baroque robot manner. They hang out at a bar that is lit like a porno-scene where some women plays a piano and sings lite fm. Sometimes the songs directly relate to what has happened in the episode, sometimes the characters sing on stage. The artifice of Ally Mcbeal would be insulting if it wasn't completely baffling. This compounded by the fact that I was watching it with three girls who kept turning to me and asking "Is America really like this?"
The people on TV do shit, say shit, wear clothing, and end up in situations completely unlike our lives and what we know. Mike has double-booked with two dates to the prom and his best friend's name is Boner. There is a little girl with three daddies who looks like a troll and talks like a retard but every line she says illicits cooing or uproarious laughter from the studio audience. Kimmie Gibbler and Urkel are your neighbors and walk into your house uninvited, also, they exist. The boys have a frat party in the Hollywood hills and there is a fire raging across California; Donna Martin gets caught in the fire with a baby deer and waits to be rescued, eventually she is, and the deer reunites with its family. Family Doubledare and Michael Knight's chest hair. Melrose Place. Mr. Drummond. The Real World Road Rules Challenge and the romance that ensues. Night Court. Cosby Show sweaters and earrings and every character on Friends. Daytime advertisements for adjustible beds.
The point I am trying to make is that the majority of TV has never made sense to me, nor has it ever even seemed to me that it is supposed to be in anyway representative of the world that I live in. And for some reason Ally Mcbeal is even worse. It's not that it was "over the top", "edgy" or "stylized" (perhaps that was its intention), just that there was not one single character, emotion, or situation I could even relate to on a basic human level. In every soap-operatic instance of love, desire, sex, jealousy, etc. every character is a deranged mannequin doing and saying things that basically make no sense.
So I started telling my brother about the co-ed bathroom thing in Ally Mcbeal and how I am frequently asked if this is the norm in America, and how I have basically only ever seen Ally Mcbeal dubbed in Japanese. My brother has never seen the show and I started describing to him how strange and unattractive all the characters are, and how they do and say things that no one would ever do. While trying to describe this I remembered one of the strangest things I had seen on that show.
Specifically a scene in which Ally Mcbeal sniffs Jon Bon Jovi's ass.
I don't really remember the set up. Ally Mcbeal and one of her friends are walking down the street having a conversation in neo-nineties Cathy Guisewite language, when they see a bunch of construction workers. These construction workers are all attractive hunks of young men, the way most construction workers aren't, and one of them is Jon Bon Jovi looking like no one, including Jon Bon Jovi, should look. I wish I could remember what the fuck the rationale or the set up for this was, but Ally Mcbeal's friend describes how you just want to sniff a hot construction worker's ass like a dog would. Then Ally Mcbeal is chided by her friend into sniffing Bon Jovi's ass, and is caught by Bon Jovi in that embarrassing situation that I'm sure no one can relate to. Also Ally Mcbeal looks like a ninety-pound seahorse caucasoid lemur woman. Also she later meets up with Bon Jovi and embarrassedly apologizes for sniffing his ass and they end up dating after that awkward first meeting.
So there I was watching this in Japanese with three Japanese girls who keep asking me if all of the insane bullshit happening on this TV show is the norm in America and they don't believe me when I deny it.
Look. I like butts. I'll sniff a girl's butt. I love that. If I had to choose, I would choose an ass over any body part as a point of desire. But, if you had to sniff a stranger's ass on the street, I would guarantee that a construction worker on the job would have the foulest ass. Is this supposed to be cute? Is this supposed to be a subversion of cultural sexual mores to have Ally Mcbeal sniffing a strange man's ass on the street?
And as I am describing this bizarre butt-sniffing scene to my brother on the phone tonight I still can't believe it, to the point that I feel like I must be remembering it wrong. Like when you have memories from early childhood that are mixed up with dreams. IE "Oh like the time I was four and my stuffed animals started levitating, or maybe that was a dream I had when I was four." As I was describing the Bon Jovi ass sniffing scene to my brother I started doubting whether it was real. So I googled "Ally Mcbeal Bon Jovi Ass Butt Sniffing" and sifted through the internet.
Yes it is real. Salon, Oct. 7 2002:
(Bon Jovi) found himself filled with pity for the "Ally McBeal" star during his stint on her show.
"I never met this kid before, and on the first day, our first scene together she has to sniff my rear end. I'm bent over and she has to sniff my butt like a dog," he recalls. "I thought this is a tough gig, nice to meet ya."
Fuck you television. Fuck you internet. Happy Thanksgiving.
And this reminded me of something. When I first came to Japan I would end up in conversations where girls would be asking me if it was really normal to have co-ed bathrooms in American office buildings. More than once. More than a few times I was asked this and it was pretty confusing.
It turned out that this was a major setting in the television show "Ally Mcbeal". There was a co-ed bathroom where the male and female characters would hang out together and talk. And this must have had some penetration into the consciousness of all these Japanese girls who watched that show. (In a similar but different way, I am constantly asked if it is normal in America for people to sit with their shoes on, in or on top of their bed. Of course it isn't. But I guess it happens a lot on American TV shows and movies. And in this country people leave their shoes at the door so I guess it is doubly horrifying to see someone sitting on a bed resting their shoes on the covers).
The thing is, I had never really watched Ally Mcbeal at all until a few years ago. The first time I really watched Ally Mcbeal was in Japan, dubbed in Japanese. My girlfriend of the time bought all of the seasons for cheap from a video store that was going out of business. And I would watch episodes of Ally Mcbeal with my ex, her little sister, and her roommate. They were hooked and watched multiple episodes every day.
I don't know if you have ever watched Ally Mcbeal. I have watched huge chunks of Ally Mcbeal. Not by choice. Ally Mcbeal makes no sense. Everything the characters say and do, all of their desires, hopes, and dreams are entirely unlike any actual person who has ever lived or died. They work in a law firm which has a co-ed toilet that they hang out in and talk about love and their biological clocks and flirt in a hollywood baroque robot manner. They hang out at a bar that is lit like a porno-scene where some women plays a piano and sings lite fm. Sometimes the songs directly relate to what has happened in the episode, sometimes the characters sing on stage. The artifice of Ally Mcbeal would be insulting if it wasn't completely baffling. This compounded by the fact that I was watching it with three girls who kept turning to me and asking "Is America really like this?"
The people on TV do shit, say shit, wear clothing, and end up in situations completely unlike our lives and what we know. Mike has double-booked with two dates to the prom and his best friend's name is Boner. There is a little girl with three daddies who looks like a troll and talks like a retard but every line she says illicits cooing or uproarious laughter from the studio audience. Kimmie Gibbler and Urkel are your neighbors and walk into your house uninvited, also, they exist. The boys have a frat party in the Hollywood hills and there is a fire raging across California; Donna Martin gets caught in the fire with a baby deer and waits to be rescued, eventually she is, and the deer reunites with its family. Family Doubledare and Michael Knight's chest hair. Melrose Place. Mr. Drummond. The Real World Road Rules Challenge and the romance that ensues. Night Court. Cosby Show sweaters and earrings and every character on Friends. Daytime advertisements for adjustible beds.
The point I am trying to make is that the majority of TV has never made sense to me, nor has it ever even seemed to me that it is supposed to be in anyway representative of the world that I live in. And for some reason Ally Mcbeal is even worse. It's not that it was "over the top", "edgy" or "stylized" (perhaps that was its intention), just that there was not one single character, emotion, or situation I could even relate to on a basic human level. In every soap-operatic instance of love, desire, sex, jealousy, etc. every character is a deranged mannequin doing and saying things that basically make no sense.
So I started telling my brother about the co-ed bathroom thing in Ally Mcbeal and how I am frequently asked if this is the norm in America, and how I have basically only ever seen Ally Mcbeal dubbed in Japanese. My brother has never seen the show and I started describing to him how strange and unattractive all the characters are, and how they do and say things that no one would ever do. While trying to describe this I remembered one of the strangest things I had seen on that show.
Specifically a scene in which Ally Mcbeal sniffs Jon Bon Jovi's ass.
I don't really remember the set up. Ally Mcbeal and one of her friends are walking down the street having a conversation in neo-nineties Cathy Guisewite language, when they see a bunch of construction workers. These construction workers are all attractive hunks of young men, the way most construction workers aren't, and one of them is Jon Bon Jovi looking like no one, including Jon Bon Jovi, should look. I wish I could remember what the fuck the rationale or the set up for this was, but Ally Mcbeal's friend describes how you just want to sniff a hot construction worker's ass like a dog would. Then Ally Mcbeal is chided by her friend into sniffing Bon Jovi's ass, and is caught by Bon Jovi in that embarrassing situation that I'm sure no one can relate to. Also Ally Mcbeal looks like a ninety-pound seahorse caucasoid lemur woman. Also she later meets up with Bon Jovi and embarrassedly apologizes for sniffing his ass and they end up dating after that awkward first meeting.
So there I was watching this in Japanese with three Japanese girls who keep asking me if all of the insane bullshit happening on this TV show is the norm in America and they don't believe me when I deny it.
Look. I like butts. I'll sniff a girl's butt. I love that. If I had to choose, I would choose an ass over any body part as a point of desire. But, if you had to sniff a stranger's ass on the street, I would guarantee that a construction worker on the job would have the foulest ass. Is this supposed to be cute? Is this supposed to be a subversion of cultural sexual mores to have Ally Mcbeal sniffing a strange man's ass on the street?
And as I am describing this bizarre butt-sniffing scene to my brother on the phone tonight I still can't believe it, to the point that I feel like I must be remembering it wrong. Like when you have memories from early childhood that are mixed up with dreams. IE "Oh like the time I was four and my stuffed animals started levitating, or maybe that was a dream I had when I was four." As I was describing the Bon Jovi ass sniffing scene to my brother I started doubting whether it was real. So I googled "Ally Mcbeal Bon Jovi Ass Butt Sniffing" and sifted through the internet.
Yes it is real. Salon, Oct. 7 2002:
(Bon Jovi) found himself filled with pity for the "Ally McBeal" star during his stint on her show.
"I never met this kid before, and on the first day, our first scene together she has to sniff my rear end. I'm bent over and she has to sniff my butt like a dog," he recalls. "I thought this is a tough gig, nice to meet ya."
Fuck you television. Fuck you internet. Happy Thanksgiving.
11.26.2009
2010: ANNIVERSARY
It's 2010 and you know what that means!
5 year anniversary of our Pokemon camping trip!
Also apparently Pavement is touring and I am going to
see them in April.
What the fuck!
GIMME THAT CHRISTIAN SIDE HUG, THAT CHRISTIAN SIDE HUG
Pretty sure this is serious.
And horrible.
Let me cleanse your pallette with this superior rap about bikes:
11.25.2009
11.19.2009
THE LAST WORDS OF DUTCH SCHULTZ
Has it been in any other papers? George, don't make no full moves. What have you done with him? Oh, mama, mama, mama. Oh stop it, stop it; eh, oh, oh. Sure, sure, mama.
Now listen, Phil, fun is fun. Ah please, papa. What happened to the sixteen? Oh, oh, he done it, please. John, please, oh, did you buy the hotel? You promised a million sure. Get out. I wished I knew.
Please make it quick, fast and furious. Please. Fast and furious. Please help me get out; I am getting my wind back, thank God. Please, please, oh please. You will have to please tell him, you got no case.
You get ahead with the dot dash system didn't I speak that time last night. Whose number is that in your pocket book, Phi1 13780. Who was it? Oh- please, please. Reserve decision. Police, police, Henry and Frankie. Oh, oh, dog biscuits and when he is happy he doesn't get happy please, please to do this. Then Henry, Henry, Frankie you didn't even meet me. The glove will fit what I say oh, Kayiyi, oh Kayiyi. Sure who cares when you are through? How do you know this? How do you know this? Well, then oh, Cocoa know thinks he is a grandpa again. He is jumping around. No Hobo and Poboe I think he means the same thing.
...
Will you help me up? O.K. I won't be such a big creep. Oh, mama. I can't go through with it, please. Oh, and then he clips me; come on. Cut that out, we don't owe a nickel; hold it; instead, hold it against him; I am a pretty good pretzler -Winifred- Department of Justice. I even got it from the department. Sir, please stop it. Say listen the last night!
...
...
- That is what caused the trouble. Look out. Please let me up. If you do this, you can go on and jump right here in the lake. I know who they are. They are French people. All right. Look out, look out. Oh, my memory is gone. A work relief police. Who gets it? I don't know and I don't want to know, but look out. It can be traced. He changed for the worse. Please look out; my fortunes have changed and come back and went back since that. It was desperate. I am wobbly. You ain't got nothing on him but you got it on his helper.
...
I don't know. I didn't even get a look. I don't know who can have done it. Anybody. Kindly take my shoes off. (He was told that they were off.) No. There is a handcuff on them. The Baron says these things. I know what I am doing here with my collection of papers. It isn't worth a nickel to two guys like you or me but to a collector it is worth a fortune. It is priceless. I am going to turn it over to... Turn you back to me, please Henry. I am so sick now. The police are getting many complaints. Look out. I want that G-note. Look out for Jimmy Valentine for he is an old pal of mine. Come on, come on, Jim. Ok, ok, I am all through. Can't do another thing. Look out mamma, look out for her. You can't beat him. Police, mamma, Helen, mother, please take me out. I will settle the indictment. Come on, open the soap duckets. The chimney sweeps. Talk to the sword. Shut up, you got a big mouth! Please help me up, Henry. Max, come over here. French-Canadian bean soup. I want to pay. Let them leave me alone.
Now listen, Phil, fun is fun. Ah please, papa. What happened to the sixteen? Oh, oh, he done it, please. John, please, oh, did you buy the hotel? You promised a million sure. Get out. I wished I knew.
Please make it quick, fast and furious. Please. Fast and furious. Please help me get out; I am getting my wind back, thank God. Please, please, oh please. You will have to please tell him, you got no case.
You get ahead with the dot dash system didn't I speak that time last night. Whose number is that in your pocket book, Phi1 13780. Who was it? Oh- please, please. Reserve decision. Police, police, Henry and Frankie. Oh, oh, dog biscuits and when he is happy he doesn't get happy please, please to do this. Then Henry, Henry, Frankie you didn't even meet me. The glove will fit what I say oh, Kayiyi, oh Kayiyi. Sure who cares when you are through? How do you know this? How do you know this? Well, then oh, Cocoa know thinks he is a grandpa again. He is jumping around. No Hobo and Poboe I think he means the same thing.
...
Will you help me up? O.K. I won't be such a big creep. Oh, mama. I can't go through with it, please. Oh, and then he clips me; come on. Cut that out, we don't owe a nickel; hold it; instead, hold it against him; I am a pretty good pretzler -Winifred- Department of Justice. I even got it from the department. Sir, please stop it. Say listen the last night!
...
Q.- Do you know who this big fellow was?
A.- No. If he wanted to break the ring no, please I get a month. They did it. Come on. (A name, not clear) cut me off and says you are not to be the beneficiary of this will. Is that right? I will be checked and double-checked and please pull for me. Will you pull? How many good ones and how many bad ones? Please I had nothing with him he was a cowboy in one of the seven days a week fight. No business; no hangout; no friends; nothing; just what you pick up and what you need. I don't know who shot me. Don't put anyone near this check~ you might have -please do it for me. Let me get up. heh? In the olden days they waited and they waited. Please give me a shot. It is from the factory. Sure, that is a bad. Well, oh good ahead that happens for trying. I don't want harmony. I want harmony. Oh, mamma, mamma! Who give it to him? Who give it to him? Let me in the district -fire-factory that he was nowhere near. It smoldered No, no. There are only ten of us and there ten million fighting somewhere of you, so get your onions up and we will throw up the truce flag. Oh, please let me up. Please shift me. Police are here. Communistic...strike...baloney...honestly this is a habit I get; sometimes I give it and sometimes I don't. Oh, I am all in. That settles it. Are you sure? Please let me get in and eat. Let him harass himself to you and then bother you. Please don't ask me to go there. I don't want to. I still don't want him in the path. It is no use to stage a riot. The sidewalk was in trouble and the bears were in trouble and I broke it up. Please put me in that room. Please keep him in control. My gilt edged stuff and those dirty rats have tuned in. Please mother, don't tear, don't rip; that is something that shouldn't be spoken about. Please get me up, my friends. Please, look out. The shooting is a bit wild, and that kind of shooting saved a man's life. No payrolls. No wells. No coupons. That would be entirely out. Pardon me, I forgot I am plaintiff and not defendant. Look out. Look out for him. Please. He owed me money; he owes everyone money. Why can't he just pullout and give me control? Please, mother, you pick me up now. Please, you know me. No. Don't you scare me. My friends and I think I do a better job. Police are looking for you allover. Be instrumental in letting us know. They are English-men and they are a type I don't know who is best, they or us. Oh, sir, get the doll a roofing. You can play jacks and girls do that with a soft ball and do tricks with it. I take all events into consideration. No. No. And it is no. It is confused and its says no. A boy has never wept nor dashed a thousand kim. Did you hear me?
Q. (By Detective) - Who shot you?
A.- I don't know.
Q.- How many shots were fired?
A.- I don't know.
Q.- How many?
...
- That is what caused the trouble. Look out. Please let me up. If you do this, you can go on and jump right here in the lake. I know who they are. They are French people. All right. Look out, look out. Oh, my memory is gone. A work relief police. Who gets it? I don't know and I don't want to know, but look out. It can be traced. He changed for the worse. Please look out; my fortunes have changed and come back and went back since that. It was desperate. I am wobbly. You ain't got nothing on him but you got it on his helper.
...
I don't know. I didn't even get a look. I don't know who can have done it. Anybody. Kindly take my shoes off. (He was told that they were off.) No. There is a handcuff on them. The Baron says these things. I know what I am doing here with my collection of papers. It isn't worth a nickel to two guys like you or me but to a collector it is worth a fortune. It is priceless. I am going to turn it over to... Turn you back to me, please Henry. I am so sick now. The police are getting many complaints. Look out. I want that G-note. Look out for Jimmy Valentine for he is an old pal of mine. Come on, come on, Jim. Ok, ok, I am all through. Can't do another thing. Look out mamma, look out for her. You can't beat him. Police, mamma, Helen, mother, please take me out. I will settle the indictment. Come on, open the soap duckets. The chimney sweeps. Talk to the sword. Shut up, you got a big mouth! Please help me up, Henry. Max, come over here. French-Canadian bean soup. I want to pay. Let them leave me alone.
(edited out cross talk with detectives. Schultz died two hours later at 6:40pm, Oct.23 1935)
(Donald Barthelme has nothing on this)
11.16.2009
FIELD INTELLIGENCE FILE 227: WHO OR WHY IS XUXA?
INTELLIGENCE FIELD REPORT: 21.11.16 (LONG FORM BLOG POST ABOUT THE MYSTERIES OF OUR WORLD, XUXA EDITION)
I: Some Background Information:
Anyone interested can look up Xuxa and find that her Wikipedia page is an academic battlefield, where, I am sure, only love can bloom, to wit:
This article or section has multiple issues. Please help improve the article or discuss these issues on the talk page. * Its neutrality is disputed. Tagged since February 2009. * It may contain original research or unverifiable claims. Tagged since August 2008. * Its factual accuracy is disputed. Tagged since August 2008. This biography of a living person does not cite any references or sources. Please help by adding reliable sources. Contentious material about living people that is unsourced or poorly sourced must be removed immediately. (June 2008) Find sources: (Xuxa – news, books, scholar)
Gentlemen, what is XUXA? In the interest of time I quote liberally from Wikipedia:
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Xuxa (Portuguese pronunciation: [ˈʃuʃɐ]), Maria da Graça "Xuxa" Meneghel, March 27, 1963, Santa Rosa, Rio Grande do Sul, Brazil) is a Brazilian Grammy Award Winner, television actress, singer and children's television show host. Her various shows have been broadcast in Portuguese, Spanish, and English. Xuxa is of German, Austrian, Italian, and Polish descent. Her achievements include the second best-selling album in the history of Brazil and being the singer with the second highest total of number-one hits by a female in the Brazilian charts, surpassed only by Daniela Mercury. Xuxa has some of the biggest box office results in Brazilian history and has amassed a fortune of over $470 million. ... Xou da Xuxa is probably the most famous children's show in Brazil and Latin America. ... Xuxa presented cartoons and games, did interviews and performed some of her songs. ... The audience of the show was of kids who jumped up and down during the whole show. Kids shook pompoms throughout the show, marking the trademarks of the show. But the biggest trademark was the pink spaceship. Every show began with Xuxa getting out of the spaceship and at the end, she would go back to the spaceship (it remains so even today). Every year she released a new album for children. 1988's Xou da Xuxa 3 with her biggest hit 'Ilariê' (#1 in the radio in almost every Latin America country)... Xou da Xuxa ended in 1993 due to Xuxa's desire to invest more time in her international career, which included Spanish and English versions of Xou da Xuxa as well as various shows in the U.S. and Europe. During that year, she developed health problems attributed to stress; a typical week consisted of seven hours of taping for a month's worth of shows coupled with flying to Argentina where the Spanish version was taped.
To make things more complicated, comes this description of Xuxa's "Pink Spaceship" from an unregistered source:
...There the hand of Xuxa came upon me. As I looked, a stormwind came from the North, a huge cloud with flashing fire (enveloped in brightness), from the midst of which (the midst of the fire) something gleamed like electrum.
1. Xuxa, using her Nazi heritage as a disguise, insinuates herself into a gathering of vile and loathsome entities holding a costume ball in a destroyed mansion. Sneaking in passed the grieving, the sick, and the dead to the main table where the cloaked monsters sharpen their teeth and scrape their claws across maps of the world, Xuxa joins the gathering. When the monsters finish giving their speeches of numbers and wounds Xuxa pulls off her cloak to reveal her ivory marching band costume. As the screeches of carrion eaters and bureaucrat fills the mansion Xuxa jumps onto the table, her white boots stomping on their black meals. She lifts up her white skirt revealing a blinding light which destroys the boogeymen. All that is left is a pile of burnt receipts. She walks hand and hand with the survivors out of the wreckage to her pink spaceship parked under a rainbow.
2. Xuxa pilots her spaceship to an ancient forest where a unicorn is killing virgins. The unicorn has been stabbing young women in the forest, possibly raping them, shitting everywhere, and generally being an asshole. Hunters have been sent out to find the unicorn, but have found too many other things to kill in the bountiful forest and have returned home with pelts and meat but no unicorn. They shrug as they eat whole legs of deer and rabbits.
Xuxa dons the white shorts of a virgin and waits under a blossoming tree. When the unicorn appears covered in blood and briars Xuxa bares her sex to entice it. The unicorn is enticed and approaches Xuxa. She slips her legs around the unicorn's head and slips the horn inside of her. She then fucks the unicorn's head until it dies. With the money Xuxa made from donating the unicorn's horn and body to science, Xuxa can buy prosthetic limbs for orphans within a two thousand mile radius of the forest.
3. There was once an evil king who collected all kinds of automatons and clockwork curios. He imposed hateful taxes which bankrupted the citizenry so that amongst the lower classes the national dress became barrels and the national currency became sawdust. The king's palace was filled with golden machines imitating sunrises and songbirds. The king walked through the gardens giving complicated orders to
his artisans to build a faithful recreation of the heavens out of golden gears.
Xuxa tied a bow around her pink spaceship and flew it to gates of the castle. The king's clockwork butlers mistook the spaceship for a gift, another machine sent from foreign dignitaries and well wishers, and brought the spaceship to the king, and placed it amongst the golden machines.
The king rubbed his hands together in anticipation of the gift. Xuxa emerged from the spaceship dressed as a ballerina, her skin and clothing painted in a glowing gold.
The spaceship played a beautiful tune, imitating a musicbox. Xuxa spun on one leg in a pirouette and the king immediately fell in love with her.
As the king stepped forward to embrace her Xuxa smiled a brilliant white smile which burned the king to a crisp and fillled the whole castle with light. The golden machines melted from the heat.
Rivers of molten gold rolled out of the windows and doors of the castle and the citizenry rejoiced.
4. The boy with the denim jacket was a slave of the king Jehoaichin and walked in procession with the other slaves on the banks of the Chebar in the land of the Chaldeans.
Xuxa's pink spaceship appeared to him from the heavens, and the boy looked upon its terrifying aspects. Xuxa took a burning hot coal from within the depths of the spaceship and placed it into the boy's mouth. The boy from that day forth could speak nothing but the truth and eventually went to the valley of the rusted cars, where, with his new powers he raised the dead.
But there are also sources which speak of Xuxa as having maleficent and evil aspects. These accounts speak of Xuxa using her powers for ends which seem strange when held in comparison to her more popular deeds.
1. There was a factory with no doors but only windows where children were forced to work at conveyor belts assembling horrible things which snarled and clawed at them. They worked until they dropped dead of exhaustion. Their only "lunch break" was on every other tuesday when they lined up at the factory's windows to see Xuxa arrive outside on her motorbike.
Xuxa would pull up to the factory on her white motorbike and recline on it, eating souvlaki from a paper dish. While s
he reclined and ate, the juice from the paper tray splashed all over white tank top and her bare legs. When she had finished eating she stood up, pulled on the elastic on her white shorts, and poured the remaining souvlaki juice down the front of her pants.
The children watched in silence while their stomachs growled with hunger. As the whistle blew signaling the end of the break, Xuxa got back on her bike and drove away.
2. There was a fancy dress party held in the great white hall. Men and women from many nations appeared in their finery to dance and feast.
When dinner was served and all attendees sat down to the table they found all of the glasses and utensils missing.
Xuxa appeared laughing, dressed like a storm, and lined all of the guests against the walls of the dining room.
She walked down the line of the guests, insulting and berating them, tearing their clothes, eating their food in front of them, punching and kicking them, doing insulting imitations of them to their face, drawing rude pictures of their children and parents in front of them, blowing smoke in their faces, giving them haircuts, spitting on them, throwing money at them, screaming at them in a nonsense language, stealing their pocket money, and so on in that fashion.
When she finished her circle around the room she jumped into her pink spaceship which had until then been disguised as a giant pink roast on the table. She flew away crashing through the ceiling of the white hall, destroying the chandeliers and the lode bearing walls.
After Xuxa had left all of the guests went home without speaking. Later they sent letters back and forth discussing the incident, but would not talk about it in person.
The white hall collapsed, and where it once stood, nothing will grow.
3. Xuxa appeared before two women who were condemned to death. They were waiting in the courtyard of the jail awaiting their execution. The sun was just beginning to rise and the women hugged themselves against the cold. Xuxa appeared in a swirl of white fire.
The women thought Xuxa had come to save them and fell to their knees thanking her. Xuxa instead stuck a bunch of pushpins into their foreheads, laughed, and disappeared.
What is to be made of these conflicting accounts?
Are the negative accounts libellous attacks by shallow enemies?
Are the stories of her good deeds merely a clever advertising campaign?
It is hard to tell from current data but it is my opinion that if either of the accounts of Xuxa's either naughty or nice actions are true, then both sides have to be true.
With all of this field work I still do not know the answer to the most important question:
WHO OR WHY IS XUXA?
written but not proofread
Sextidi, 26 Brumaire CCXVIII
I: Some Background Information:
Anyone interested can look up Xuxa and find that her Wikipedia page is an academic battlefield, where, I am sure, only love can bloom, to wit:
This article or section has multiple issues. Please help improve the article or discuss these issues on the talk page. * Its neutrality is disputed. Tagged since February 2009. * It may contain original research or unverifiable claims. Tagged since August 2008. * Its factual accuracy is disputed. Tagged since August 2008. This biography of a living person does not cite any references or sources. Please help by adding reliable sources. Contentious material about living people that is unsourced or poorly sourced must be removed immediately. (June 2008) Find sources: (Xuxa – news, books, scholar)
Gentlemen, what is XUXA? In the interest of time I quote liberally from Wikipedia:
Xuxa (Portuguese pronunciation: [ˈʃuʃɐ]), Maria da Graça "Xuxa" Meneghel, March 27, 1963, Santa Rosa, Rio Grande do Sul, Brazil) is a Brazilian Grammy Award Winner, television actress, singer and children's television show host. Her various shows have been broadcast in Portuguese, Spanish, and English. Xuxa is of German, Austrian, Italian, and Polish descent. Her achievements include the second best-selling album in the history of Brazil and being the singer with the second highest total of number-one hits by a female in the Brazilian charts, surpassed only by Daniela Mercury. Xuxa has some of the biggest box office results in Brazilian history and has amassed a fortune of over $470 million. ... Xou da Xuxa is probably the most famous children's show in Brazil and Latin America. ... Xuxa presented cartoons and games, did interviews and performed some of her songs. ... The audience of the show was of kids who jumped up and down during the whole show. Kids shook pompoms throughout the show, marking the trademarks of the show. But the biggest trademark was the pink spaceship. Every show began with Xuxa getting out of the spaceship and at the end, she would go back to the spaceship (it remains so even today). Every year she released a new album for children. 1988's Xou da Xuxa 3 with her biggest hit 'Ilariê' (#1 in the radio in almost every Latin America country)... Xou da Xuxa ended in 1993 due to Xuxa's desire to invest more time in her international career, which included Spanish and English versions of Xou da Xuxa as well as various shows in the U.S. and Europe. During that year, she developed health problems attributed to stress; a typical week consisted of seven hours of taping for a month's worth of shows coupled with flying to Argentina where the Spanish version was taped.
To make things more complicated, comes this description of Xuxa's "Pink Spaceship" from an unregistered source:...There the hand of Xuxa came upon me. As I looked, a stormwind came from the North, a huge cloud with flashing fire (enveloped in brightness), from the midst of which (the midst of the fire) something gleamed like electrum.
- Within it were figures resembling four living creatures that looked like this: their form was human, but each had four faces and four wings, and their legs went straight down; the soles of their feet were round. They sparkled with a gleam like burnished bronze.
- Their faces were like this: each of the four had the face of a man, but on the right side was the face of a lion, and on the left side the face of an ox, and finally each had the face of an eagle.
- Their faces (and their wings) looked out on all their four sides; they did not turn when they moved, but each went straight forward... Human hands were under their wings, and the wings of one touched those of another...
- Fuck it, the description just gets harder and harder to figure out.
- The point being that this shit is crazy. She's the host of a show aimed at children, yet there is something undeniably erotic about her. And not in that typical mother/whore bullshit, something heroically erotic, something strangely chaste, in a room full of kids, she is dressed like the captain of a luxury liner with giant shoulder pads, the whiteness of her teeth shining and momentarily alighting on the faces of the elect.
- It is undeniable that there is a light which comes forth from Xuxa. A light not unlike the light which followed the savage genesis of our world; in which our ancestors awakened, temporarily blind, yawning, and totally down to fuck. And also down to build stuff and start naming things.
- Throughout history (though mainly in the late 1980s) Xuxa has appeared to us as a historical and powerful force. (see: this file footage)
- Here is a basic rundown for those without the time or patience to watch the above. Xuxa appears in a nameless ghetto. There is nothing but children here, their parents apparently either operating or being operated on in the bone factories of the third world. Here the children subsist on hard breads, dry white crackers, and graffiti. They wear the primary colors of creeds and politics foisted on them from birth, the consequences of history. And these little motherfuckers are at each other's throats!
- But Xuxa appears, seemingly out of nowhere, like a comet. She is riding a dope bike, a machine separate from Xuxa but an aspect of herself made into utility, as in the Kaballah where YHVH being everywhere and therefore incapable of action works through the divine will. The dopeness of Xuxa's bike being an emanation of the dopeness of her body.
-
- Riding along with Xuxa in the back basket of her white bike is the pile of a Rag Dog, an emissary of death, as reflected in the lower biological realities and eventualities of corruption and loss. But as he has been tamed by Xuxa he is a coeval and a celebrant. His posture is begrudging, but nonetheless he is a participant in the fun. He is age and resentment in the rehabilitation of Xuxa's love. But his presence in the ensuing ceremony is necessary. For without the shadow of the ragdoll, the soft and furry memento mori, Xuxa's work would resemble one of those pastoral scenes frozen onto an opulent parlor wall behind wigged and ribboned figures exchanging gifts while the world outside consisted of teeth and fire.
- "Et in Arcadia ego"
- To return to the action at hand:
- With a honk of her horn Xuxa makes her presence known.
- The children halt their attempted honor killings and look up. She looks on their violence and wags an admonishing finger in front of her brilliant smile. From her basket she produces not treasure or sustenance, but paintbrushes. She is giving these children the gift of the creative impulsive, the pre-erotic and transformative aspect new to their youth, until now only expressed in destruction. She beckons the children to follow on their bikes and on foot, among them one in a denim jacket hangs back.
- They follow her through a gas station (this image too obvious to explore, but in brief: the fulfillment and refillment, the transformation of the skeletons and scales of ancient giants, long dead, into the fuel of the living. History coupled in the meeting of ancient monsters and the will of man, the erotic act, etc.) Against a wall soiled by the inarticulate claws of the desparate (see Li Ho: "Witness the man who raved at the wall as he wrote his questions to Heaven.") the children use their new brushes to cover the graffiti. A dancing Xuxa reveals to them paints provided by the Rag Dog, the colors as sublimations of the myriad expressions of nature, simplified for their violence addled and hungry hearts. There is dancing and the consumption of sodas. Kids do hype BMX tricks in anticipation of romance and explosions of emotion waiting in their adult lives. The Rag Dog barks and smiles on the body as a celebration.
- Xuxa embraces the Rag Dog, behind her the paint is drying in the shape of a heart. This is love because of, or despite, the temporary nature of our lives and bodies. Death is not feared and excluded, but invited, and therefore provides. The rainbow which is painted across Xuxa's dope titties hides the heart which is shown to all, as a sign of hope, on the dirty wall. The children paint this rainbow over the dirty scrawl. The Rag Dog connects each member of the ceremony with a painted red line on the ground. His brush sweeps over their shoes, even Xuxa's glowing white pumps. This red line is the biological interiority of man.
- The young man in the denim jacket who has until now held back from the celebration is now entering the ceremony. But his attention is not on colors redecorating the profane wall, but on Xuxa's bike. He mounts it and pantomimes that he is revving the engine. This is not unlike the kabbalists who believed they could harness the creative force of god by knowing his true name and therefore harness the divine will. But the young man with the denim jacket is acting out an unknowing immature coupling with Xuxa. The young man's immature actions show the inarticulate desire to become one with Xuxa if not only temporarily. His precociousness speaks of g
reater things. This is the birth of a poet. - III: Other Sources
1. Xuxa, using her Nazi heritage as a disguise, insinuates herself into a gathering of vile and loathsome entities holding a costume ball in a destroyed mansion. Sneaking in passed the grieving, the sick, and the dead to the main table where the cloaked monsters sharpen their teeth and scrape their claws across maps of the world, Xuxa joins the gathering. When the monsters finish giving their speeches of numbers and wounds Xuxa pulls off her cloak to reveal her ivory marching band costume. As the screeches of carrion eaters and bureaucrat fills the mansion Xuxa jumps onto the table, her white boots stomping on their black meals. She lifts up her white skirt revealing a blinding light which destroys the boogeymen. All that is left is a pile of burnt receipts. She walks hand and hand with the survivors out of the wreckage to her pink spaceship parked under a rainbow.
2. Xuxa pilots her spaceship to an ancient forest where a unicorn is killing virgins. The unicorn has been stabbing young women in the forest, possibly raping them, shitting everywhere, and generally being an asshole. Hunters have been sent out to find the unicorn, but have found too many other things to kill in the bountiful forest and have returned home with pelts and meat but no unicorn. They shrug as they eat whole legs of deer and rabbits.
Xuxa dons the white shorts of a virgin and waits under a blossoming tree. When the unicorn appears covered in blood and briars Xuxa bares her sex to entice it. The unicorn is enticed and approaches Xuxa. She slips her legs around the unicorn's head and slips the horn inside of her. She then fucks the unicorn's head until it dies. With the money Xuxa made from donating the unicorn's horn and body to science, Xuxa can buy prosthetic limbs for orphans within a two thousand mile radius of the forest.
3. There was once an evil king who collected all kinds of automatons and clockwork curios. He imposed hateful taxes which bankrupted the citizenry so that amongst the lower classes the national dress became barrels and the national currency became sawdust. The king's palace was filled with golden machines imitating sunrises and songbirds. The king walked through the gardens giving complicated orders to
his artisans to build a faithful recreation of the heavens out of golden gears.Xuxa tied a bow around her pink spaceship and flew it to gates of the castle. The king's clockwork butlers mistook the spaceship for a gift, another machine sent from foreign dignitaries and well wishers, and brought the spaceship to the king, and placed it amongst the golden machines.
The king rubbed his hands together in anticipation of the gift. Xuxa emerged from the spaceship dressed as a ballerina, her skin and clothing painted in a glowing gold.
The spaceship played a beautiful tune, imitating a musicbox. Xuxa spun on one leg in a pirouette and the king immediately fell in love with her.
As the king stepped forward to embrace her Xuxa smiled a brilliant white smile which burned the king to a crisp and fillled the whole castle with light. The golden machines melted from the heat.
Rivers of molten gold rolled out of the windows and doors of the castle and the citizenry rejoiced.
4. The boy with the denim jacket was a slave of the king Jehoaichin and walked in procession with the other slaves on the banks of the Chebar in the land of the Chaldeans.
Xuxa's pink spaceship appeared to him from the heavens, and the boy looked upon its terrifying aspects. Xuxa took a burning hot coal from within the depths of the spaceship and placed it into the boy's mouth. The boy from that day forth could speak nothing but the truth and eventually went to the valley of the rusted cars, where, with his new powers he raised the dead.
But there are also sources which speak of Xuxa as having maleficent and evil aspects. These accounts speak of Xuxa using her powers for ends which seem strange when held in comparison to her more popular deeds.
1. There was a factory with no doors but only windows where children were forced to work at conveyor belts assembling horrible things which snarled and clawed at them. They worked until they dropped dead of exhaustion. Their only "lunch break" was on every other tuesday when they lined up at the factory's windows to see Xuxa arrive outside on her motorbike.
Xuxa would pull up to the factory on her white motorbike and recline on it, eating souvlaki from a paper dish. While s
he reclined and ate, the juice from the paper tray splashed all over white tank top and her bare legs. When she had finished eating she stood up, pulled on the elastic on her white shorts, and poured the remaining souvlaki juice down the front of her pants.The children watched in silence while their stomachs growled with hunger. As the whistle blew signaling the end of the break, Xuxa got back on her bike and drove away.
2. There was a fancy dress party held in the great white hall. Men and women from many nations appeared in their finery to dance and feast.
When dinner was served and all attendees sat down to the table they found all of the glasses and utensils missing.
Xuxa appeared laughing, dressed like a storm, and lined all of the guests against the walls of the dining room.
She walked down the line of the guests, insulting and berating them, tearing their clothes, eating their food in front of them, punching and kicking them, doing insulting imitations of them to their face, drawing rude pictures of their children and parents in front of them, blowing smoke in their faces, giving them haircuts, spitting on them, throwing money at them, screaming at them in a nonsense language, stealing their pocket money, and so on in that fashion.
When she finished her circle around the room she jumped into her pink spaceship which had until then been disguised as a giant pink roast on the table. She flew away crashing through the ceiling of the white hall, destroying the chandeliers and the lode bearing walls.
After Xuxa had left all of the guests went home without speaking. Later they sent letters back and forth discussing the incident, but would not talk about it in person.
The white hall collapsed, and where it once stood, nothing will grow.
3. Xuxa appeared before two women who were condemned to death. They were waiting in the courtyard of the jail awaiting their execution. The sun was just beginning to rise and the women hugged themselves against the cold. Xuxa appeared in a swirl of white fire.
The women thought Xuxa had come to save them and fell to their knees thanking her. Xuxa instead stuck a bunch of pushpins into their foreheads, laughed, and disappeared.
What is to be made of these conflicting accounts?
Are the negative accounts libellous attacks by shallow enemies?
Are the stories of her good deeds merely a clever advertising campaign?
It is hard to tell from current data but it is my opinion that if either of the accounts of Xuxa's either naughty or nice actions are true, then both sides have to be true.
With all of this field work I still do not know the answer to the most important question:
WHO OR WHY IS XUXA?
written but not proofread
Sextidi, 26 Brumaire CCXVIII
11.11.2009
WHAT
So I got an email from my ex-girlfriend and she has a new last name because she got married..?
I'm not sure why but this makes me want to go out into the street and start punching myself and others.
Addendum:
I was immediately hit with this
"I own a little city
Awful pretty
Can’t help people
Can hurt them though
Shoot their dogs
Mess ‘em up
Be imaginative
Plant trees
Best to leave ‘em alone?
Who decides?
Sam’s wife is Sam’s wife and coveting is not nice."
Which is from Donald Barthelme's short story "I bought a little city".
The last time I read that story (September?), when I read these lines I thought about my ex, and a time when I was waiting for her in Ikebukuro station, by the smoking section, reading the above lines. Strange how things get tied in like that. The circuit of my being is flooded with nostalgia.
Eh.
I broke up with her anyway.
I'm not sure why but this makes me want to go out into the street and start punching myself and others.
Addendum:
I was immediately hit with this
"I own a little city
Awful pretty
Can’t help people
Can hurt them though
Shoot their dogs
Mess ‘em up
Be imaginative
Plant trees
Best to leave ‘em alone?
Who decides?
Sam’s wife is Sam’s wife and coveting is not nice."
Which is from Donald Barthelme's short story "I bought a little city".
The last time I read that story (September?), when I read these lines I thought about my ex, and a time when I was waiting for her in Ikebukuro station, by the smoking section, reading the above lines. Strange how things get tied in like that. The circuit of my being is flooded with nostalgia.
Eh.
I broke up with her anyway.
11.06.2009
MY UMBRELLAS (SAID TO THE RHYTHM OF "MY ADIDAS")
Current status: Listening to DJ Jimi "Sumt' In Missing"
I'm not sure if I have blogged™ about this yet:
I made 3 umbrella designs for AND A Tokyo. Apparently they are selling well.
The pink one seems to be selling well, so they tell me, which is kind of disappointing because it is the design I like the least. But to quote the bard: "girls buy pink things, crackhead buy crack/And a white man get paid off of all of that."
Seriously, when I was making the rough designs the editor said "Could you make this design a little more girl-friendly?"
And I said "How should I do that?"
And she said "I don't know, add pictures of cake or something?"
So I added some jewels and flowers and called it a day.
Also a general hello to everyone.
this is a blog™ so I should tell everyone how I am doing:
STATUS: Stomach Flu(?)
I'm going to be self-indulgent and self-important enough on the internet to tell you all about this: I have a fever, but not only that...
Diarrhea. My Diarrhea. It's painful and I keep doing it, like I can't stop.
Also the only thing in the bathroom is this:
I keep forgetting to bring a different book so I have been sitting on the toilet reading comic versions of chinese horror stories. Some highlights? Man gets lost in the mountains and joins a tribe of hairy people who live in giant nests in trees and becomes one of them after accidentally have sex with a female, later the hairy people form into a giant yeti to fight of invaders. Chinese sorceror fights aborted fetus haunting a horse's stomach. Rich old woman puts head inside an earthenware pot to become young with hilarious accursed results. I'm not sure whether it is the just the fever or this comic which is destroying my mind. Also there is a scene where a child enchants a table to become a pegasus and flies around on it, accompanied by a captured convict depicted as a bearded man's head sticking out of a jug. What the fuck.
So in closing,
Buy my umbrellas (sorry actually I don't think they sell outside of Japan)
Read my blog™ for more details on what is coming out of me.
Also comment on my blog. The only person who does is N. Jewelick.
I'm not sure if I have blogged™ about this yet:
I made 3 umbrella designs for AND A Tokyo. Apparently they are selling well.
The pink one seems to be selling well, so they tell me, which is kind of disappointing because it is the design I like the least. But to quote the bard: "girls buy pink things, crackhead buy crack/And a white man get paid off of all of that."
Seriously, when I was making the rough designs the editor said "Could you make this design a little more girl-friendly?"
And I said "How should I do that?"
And she said "I don't know, add pictures of cake or something?"
So I added some jewels and flowers and called it a day.
Also a general hello to everyone.
this is a blog™ so I should tell everyone how I am doing:
STATUS: Stomach Flu(?)
I'm going to be self-indulgent and self-important enough on the internet to tell you all about this: I have a fever, but not only that...
Diarrhea. My Diarrhea. It's painful and I keep doing it, like I can't stop.
Also the only thing in the bathroom is this:
I keep forgetting to bring a different book so I have been sitting on the toilet reading comic versions of chinese horror stories. Some highlights? Man gets lost in the mountains and joins a tribe of hairy people who live in giant nests in trees and becomes one of them after accidentally have sex with a female, later the hairy people form into a giant yeti to fight of invaders. Chinese sorceror fights aborted fetus haunting a horse's stomach. Rich old woman puts head inside an earthenware pot to become young with hilarious accursed results. I'm not sure whether it is the just the fever or this comic which is destroying my mind. Also there is a scene where a child enchants a table to become a pegasus and flies around on it, accompanied by a captured convict depicted as a bearded man's head sticking out of a jug. What the fuck.So in closing,
Buy my umbrellas (sorry actually I don't think they sell outside of Japan)
Read my blog™ for more details on what is coming out of me.
Also comment on my blog. The only person who does is N. Jewelick.
MOTHER
Allow me to repost an email I received from my friend J.C., who is teaching English in rural Japan:
one of my students just turned in a worksheet about mother theresa where he says, quote, she has a nice bod
(posted without permission)
one of my students just turned in a worksheet about mother theresa where he says, quote, she has a nice bod
(posted without permission)
11.04.2009
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