I just found the best/worst blog ever.
Shut in Japanese man awkwardly inserts doll into james bond scenes...
You are welcome.
Showing posts with label hollywood dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hollywood dreams. Show all posts
1.27.2011
SEARCH: OVER
I just found the best/worst blog ever.
Shut in Japanese man awkwardly inserts doll into james bond scenes...
You are welcome.
1.26.2011
11.21.2010
ATTENTION: WOMEN AND MEN OF EARTH
Well, I have passed my certification exam and am now licensed to perform the following sex positions:
1. The Tyrant
2. Champagne Holiday
3. The Andromache*
4. The Sister Sledge
5. Shadowless Hands*
6. The "Get at Me" Dog
7. The Reverse Caliope
8. Blue Ribbon
9. The Down Escalator
10. The Emperor's Sled*
11. Tesla Coil
12. Night Congress
13. The Eel
14. The Conqueror Worm
15. Reverse Albatross*
16. Golden Apple
17. The Off White
18. Sotto Vocce
Text your request, starred positions are weekday only, thank you.
1. The Tyrant
2. Champagne Holiday
3. The Andromache*
4. The Sister Sledge
5. Shadowless Hands*
6. The "Get at Me" Dog
7. The Reverse Caliope
8. Blue Ribbon
9. The Down Escalator
10. The Emperor's Sled*
11. Tesla Coil
12. Night Congress
13. The Eel
14. The Conqueror Worm
15. Reverse Albatross*
16. Golden Apple
17. The Off White
18. Sotto Vocce
Text your request, starred positions are weekday only, thank you.
4.26.2010
3.25.2010
WHAT IS ANIME FOUL IS ANIME FAIR
So I am working at the 2010 Tokyo Anime Fair today through Sunday, doing English interpreting for my friends' three man animation studio.
What can I say?
If I knew at age 12 I would one day be working in the belly of the anime beast, the age 12 me would be elated.
(feel free to skip this next section, and go directly to B)
A:
But this shit is not Fist of The North Star, and it is sure as hell not Akira. Shit dog, it's not even Bubblegum Crisis.
From what I understand anime today is video game tie-ins like Pokemon, rehashes of old shit from almost half a century ago like Doraemon etc., some race cars and robots, but for the most part, the most popular shits is obviously shows about 12 year old girls hanging out at home and having mundane conversations.
Imagine four twelve year old girls talking about shampoo in high pitched voices. Now, know that a man is masturbating to these twelve year old girls. Now grit your teeth and shake your head.
I have seen animes about girls being raped by tentacles and clockwork statues of the Buddha, I have seen an anime about fighting waitresses in a no-holds barred combat tournament where they rape each other to win, etc., and somehow all that is less perverse than this. It is my theory that this anime pandering to sex and violence blunted the overall nerd capacity for sex and violence and now they are so glutted and desensitized that they can only beat off to a group of middleschoolers preparing food and taking pratfalls. Now hump a pillow shaped like a child.
Yikes.
Anyway:
B.
I was super hyped to find the DIRECTIONS display booth which had an extended trailer for ACBU's AMAZONESS (Below is the short trailer that has been around for a while, the new one isn't up yet)
This shit is too awesome. Please watch it more than once. I wish I could put up the newer one, it is longer.
Also if you have hung out with me in the last 3 or so years I have shown you this, also made by ACBU, the video for ZAMAGI's "Magical Death".
The dude at the booth was kind of freaked out that I was into Zamagi. I pretended like I was down from day one but the truth is my old studio mate went to highschool with them.
Then I stood around and watched the same animation about teaching kids about how to brush their teeth. This was playing at the booth across from the booth where I am working. I watched this animation on repeat for six or so hours only stopping a few times to smoke or drink something.
And I am prepared to do this again, tomorrow, which also happens to be my birthday.
My girlfriend is taking me out for some kind of surprise afterward.
How can I explain to her that I can no longer maintain an erection unless she is a group of twelve year old girls?
What can I say?
If I knew at age 12 I would one day be working in the belly of the anime beast, the age 12 me would be elated.
(feel free to skip this next section, and go directly to B)
A:
But this shit is not Fist of The North Star, and it is sure as hell not Akira. Shit dog, it's not even Bubblegum Crisis.
From what I understand anime today is video game tie-ins like Pokemon, rehashes of old shit from almost half a century ago like Doraemon etc., some race cars and robots, but for the most part, the most popular shits is obviously shows about 12 year old girls hanging out at home and having mundane conversations.
Imagine four twelve year old girls talking about shampoo in high pitched voices. Now, know that a man is masturbating to these twelve year old girls. Now grit your teeth and shake your head.
I have seen animes about girls being raped by tentacles and clockwork statues of the Buddha, I have seen an anime about fighting waitresses in a no-holds barred combat tournament where they rape each other to win, etc., and somehow all that is less perverse than this. It is my theory that this anime pandering to sex and violence blunted the overall nerd capacity for sex and violence and now they are so glutted and desensitized that they can only beat off to a group of middleschoolers preparing food and taking pratfalls. Now hump a pillow shaped like a child.
Yikes.
Anyway:
B.
I was super hyped to find the DIRECTIONS display booth which had an extended trailer for ACBU's AMAZONESS (Below is the short trailer that has been around for a while, the new one isn't up yet)
This shit is too awesome. Please watch it more than once. I wish I could put up the newer one, it is longer.
Also if you have hung out with me in the last 3 or so years I have shown you this, also made by ACBU, the video for ZAMAGI's "Magical Death".
The dude at the booth was kind of freaked out that I was into Zamagi. I pretended like I was down from day one but the truth is my old studio mate went to highschool with them.
Then I stood around and watched the same animation about teaching kids about how to brush their teeth. This was playing at the booth across from the booth where I am working. I watched this animation on repeat for six or so hours only stopping a few times to smoke or drink something.
And I am prepared to do this again, tomorrow, which also happens to be my birthday.
My girlfriend is taking me out for some kind of surprise afterward.
How can I explain to her that I can no longer maintain an erection unless she is a group of twelve year old girls?
3.11.2010
3.05.2010
I LOVE YOU GOODLUCK JOHNATHAN
Who is the current acting president of Nigeria you ask?
Why, it's Goodluck Johnathan.
(Which is only slightly a better name than "Okey Billy Boniface", as seen in Baby Police)
I love you Goodluck Johnathan. And I love you Nigeria. But more than the man himself I love the name. And more than the name I love the Johnathan in the name.
Please allow me to tell you the story of Johnathan:
Some time ago I went to Karaoke with some friends, and my friend Kei was singing a song that was either by the Blue Hearts or some other permutation of the Blue Hearts. I can't remember what the song was called. The chorus went like this:
"REAL
REALITY
REAL
REALITY"
But that's not the important part of the story. The important part of the story is this: The beginning of the song, and subsequently every verse following the chorus, was simply these lyrics:
"JOHNATHAN
(pause)
JOHNATHAN".
I don't know what this means or who Johnathan is. I don't know how Johnathan is linked to the real reality in the chorus. But I know that the name Johnathan got me hyped.
I am not sure why but when I was in a cramped room full of people singing the name "Johnathan" I felt like a horse being spurred. I felt like I had divided in two and watched half of me wave as he boarded a rocket. I knew words and I knew they didn't mean anything anymore.
The word "Johnathan" became tremendously funny to me. I say "word" and not "name" because the name is not funny. Just the word. This is an important distinction.
I have friends named Johnathan and I am in no way laughing at them or their name. It is a good name and apparently it means "given by god" (YHWH(shortened) plus NTN).
The funny part of Johnathan is in Johnathan being sung. The funny part of Johnathan is perhaps the real reality. The magic of Johnathan is "Johnathan".
I shared the power of Johnathan with a friend who also found Johnathan hilarious. We would make callbacks to Johnathan. Johnathan was constantly referenced.
But somewhere Johnathan stopped being funny. And if not funny, it lost its magic. My friend was introducing himself as Johnathan at parties. People were saying Johnathan too much. He ruined it. Or I did. Anyway, it got driven into the ground.
But the power of Johnathan has come back into my life. Johnathan is magic again.
And this is from listening to NPR's "All Things Considered". They told me all about Goodluck Johnathan.
When I heard this name I knew.
I love you Goodluck Johnathan.
Why, it's Goodluck Johnathan.
(Which is only slightly a better name than "Okey Billy Boniface", as seen in Baby Police)
I love you Goodluck Johnathan. And I love you Nigeria. But more than the man himself I love the name. And more than the name I love the Johnathan in the name.
Please allow me to tell you the story of Johnathan:
Some time ago I went to Karaoke with some friends, and my friend Kei was singing a song that was either by the Blue Hearts or some other permutation of the Blue Hearts. I can't remember what the song was called. The chorus went like this:
"REAL
REALITY
REAL
REALITY"
But that's not the important part of the story. The important part of the story is this: The beginning of the song, and subsequently every verse following the chorus, was simply these lyrics:
"JOHNATHAN
(pause)
JOHNATHAN".
I don't know what this means or who Johnathan is. I don't know how Johnathan is linked to the real reality in the chorus. But I know that the name Johnathan got me hyped.
I am not sure why but when I was in a cramped room full of people singing the name "Johnathan" I felt like a horse being spurred. I felt like I had divided in two and watched half of me wave as he boarded a rocket. I knew words and I knew they didn't mean anything anymore.
The word "Johnathan" became tremendously funny to me. I say "word" and not "name" because the name is not funny. Just the word. This is an important distinction.
I have friends named Johnathan and I am in no way laughing at them or their name. It is a good name and apparently it means "given by god" (YHWH(shortened) plus NTN).
The funny part of Johnathan is in Johnathan being sung. The funny part of Johnathan is perhaps the real reality. The magic of Johnathan is "Johnathan".
I shared the power of Johnathan with a friend who also found Johnathan hilarious. We would make callbacks to Johnathan. Johnathan was constantly referenced.
But somewhere Johnathan stopped being funny. And if not funny, it lost its magic. My friend was introducing himself as Johnathan at parties. People were saying Johnathan too much. He ruined it. Or I did. Anyway, it got driven into the ground.
But the power of Johnathan has come back into my life. Johnathan is magic again.
And this is from listening to NPR's "All Things Considered". They told me all about Goodluck Johnathan.
When I heard this name I knew.
I love you Goodluck Johnathan.
2.18.2010
READ KIERKEGAARD AND REGRET IT
Laugh at the stupidities of the world, and you will regret it; weep over them, and you will also regret it. Laugh at the stupidities of the world or weep over them, you will regret it either way. Whether you laugh at the stupidities of the world or you weep over them, you will regret it either way. Trust a girl, and you will regret it. Do not trust her, and you will also regret it. Trust a girl or do not trust her, you will regret it either way. Whether you trust a girl or do not trust her, you will regret it either way. Hang yourself, and you will regret it. Do not hang yourself, and you will also regret it. Hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret it either way. Whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret it either way.
2.05.2010
1.28.2010
1.27.2010
2010: STATE OF THE WEB THREE POINT OH
STEP ONE: Man/woman/child/building falls down and/or animal does something in front of a camera.
STEP TWO: Science builds a hairstyle in front of a map of Los Angeles and this hairstyle births a lined forehead connected to a Casey Kasem-esque construct. The construct achieves consciousness and sees the footage of Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something. The construct then makes a video of himself commenting on the Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something, using a voice bubbling out of an fm radio in his throat which is powered by hair gel. (see below)
STEP THREE: I think about how much all the stuff in my room costs and how much of it will possibly be regarded as treasure in some unforseeable future scenario. Too distracted to tally up this astronomical future fantasy sum I look at the internet to see this Kaseman commenting on Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something and am thoroughly disgusted. I try to imagine why this Kasemite would bother making these videos; I question his dreams and aspirations. Does he want to be the Kasem that this hairstyle and LA LOOKS voice has made him? Is this a stepping stone to a Shadow Stevens style voice-life? Does he think his uninspired commentary on Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something is interesting? Does he question how parasitic this is?
Asking myself these questions out loud I post a video of mediocre man throwing bland quips at a blooper reel on my blog and wait.
STEP FOUR: I wait and fantasize. I think of my blog and who might be looking at it. An attractive woman fingering herself? Someone chained to a wall? Maybe the screen is showing my blog to an empty room. A room inside a boat? It is slightly terrifying.
STEP FIVE: Someone sees my blog about a man talking about a video. And this person draws a still life of my blog in a bowl of oranges.
STEP SIX: Complete and total collapse of everything and the last stragglers crawling out of the rubble to fight over the remaining goods, some humping the corpses strewn about, some humping the parts of the corpses sticking out from under the debris. Unimaginative religions are created and immediately forgotten.
STEP SEVEN: An unknowable amount of time passes.
STEP EIGHT: Someone comes into my room and starts assigning prices to all of my stuff. I will never know what these prices are because I am long dead. My skeleton lies in the center of the room and I am grinning about something. No one will ever know what I am grinning about because I am long dead. Later thieves take away my bones mistaking them for something else.
STEP TWO: Science builds a hairstyle in front of a map of Los Angeles and this hairstyle births a lined forehead connected to a Casey Kasem-esque construct. The construct achieves consciousness and sees the footage of Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something. The construct then makes a video of himself commenting on the Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something, using a voice bubbling out of an fm radio in his throat which is powered by hair gel. (see below)
STEP THREE: I think about how much all the stuff in my room costs and how much of it will possibly be regarded as treasure in some unforseeable future scenario. Too distracted to tally up this astronomical future fantasy sum I look at the internet to see this Kaseman commenting on Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something and am thoroughly disgusted. I try to imagine why this Kasemite would bother making these videos; I question his dreams and aspirations. Does he want to be the Kasem that this hairstyle and LA LOOKS voice has made him? Is this a stepping stone to a Shadow Stevens style voice-life? Does he think his uninspired commentary on Man/woman/child/building falling down and/or animal doing something is interesting? Does he question how parasitic this is?
Asking myself these questions out loud I post a video of mediocre man throwing bland quips at a blooper reel on my blog and wait.
STEP FOUR: I wait and fantasize. I think of my blog and who might be looking at it. An attractive woman fingering herself? Someone chained to a wall? Maybe the screen is showing my blog to an empty room. A room inside a boat? It is slightly terrifying.
STEP FIVE: Someone sees my blog about a man talking about a video. And this person draws a still life of my blog in a bowl of oranges.
STEP SIX: Complete and total collapse of everything and the last stragglers crawling out of the rubble to fight over the remaining goods, some humping the corpses strewn about, some humping the parts of the corpses sticking out from under the debris. Unimaginative religions are created and immediately forgotten.
STEP SEVEN: An unknowable amount of time passes.
STEP EIGHT: Someone comes into my room and starts assigning prices to all of my stuff. I will never know what these prices are because I am long dead. My skeleton lies in the center of the room and I am grinning about something. No one will ever know what I am grinning about because I am long dead. Later thieves take away my bones mistaking them for something else.
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